To paraphrase Monty Python: And now for something completely goofy. Everybody loves artist jokes, right? Of course you do.
Other than the first and last ones, which are altered from “classic” advertising jokes, all are from my funny bone-head. So if you pass them on, and feel free to do so, just blame them on me so you don’t get ostracized. Or stoned. Or stoned by ostriches.
Q: How many artists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Artists don’t change anything!
Q: How many writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to find an artist to change it and one to take all the credit.
Q: How many pencillers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Let the inker do it.
Q: How many inkers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just have the colorist obscure it so you can’t notice. One to white it out and another to redraw it.
Q: How many colorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None! All you need is Photoshop.
Q: How many letterers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What’s a letterer? I have a computer for that.
Q: How many publishers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: one to get the creatives to do it for free, one to file the copyright as a “Work for Hire,” and one to license the rights to Hollywood for millions!
Q: Which animal in the zoo is the artist?
A: The elephant; the one that does the most work for peanuts.
Q: Why did the penciller have two weeks to draw a whole book?
A: The writer was done early.
Q: Why did the artist not start drawing till sundown?
A: He thought he’d get an early start.
Q: Why did the artist sleep till noon?
A: He had to get up early for a meeting.
Q: Why did the storyboardist have 24 hours to draw 24 frames?
A: He got an extension.
Okay, last (and best) one:
A writer, artist and editor were having a brainstorming meeting.
One of them reaches over to a bookshelf and pulls down a dusty, curious-looking lamp. Distracted and fascinated by it, they all try to rub it clean. Suddenly, a huge puff of smoke emerges from the lamp and when it dissipates, an impressive genie stands akimbo before all three.
“You have released me from the lamp!” the Genie happily bellows. “As your reward, each one of you gets ONE wish! Whatever your heart desires…Who will go first?”
The writer, though skeptical, decides to speak up: “I wish to go to a beautiful and deserted South Sea island to write the Great American Novel I was born to write. A book that will not only make me millions, but will be turned into blockbuster films and studied in literature classes the world over for generations to come.”
“So be it!” booms the Genie. With a wave of a mighty hand, a sudden cloud of smoke appears where the writer sat. POOF! The chair is empty.
Astonished and now elated, the artist goes next. “I wish to go to Italy so that I may paint the masterpiece I’ve always wanted to create. A work of powerful art hailed by critics and loved by people. A painting which will make me rich and famous, hang in the Louvre and continue to inspire artists for centuries!”
“As you wish!” retorts the Genie, and again, a quick burst of smoke and POOF! The artist is gone.
The Genie turns to the editor who sits, quietly stunned by what has transpired. “And what is your wish?, asks the Genie. “What do you want most of all?”
The editor frowns for a beat and then bellows, “I want those two back here right now–I got a DEADLINE!!”
(* rimshot *)
And remember: This is your LAST CHANCE to be my personal guest at WonderCon in San Francisco this weekend! (No sexual favors or anything off-color required. Promise.) Email Craig for details. Speaking of deadlines, the cut-off is Wednesday, April 1st–don’t be a fool and miss this!