“Christmas Tips and Tricks” December 22, 2011 – Posted in: Beer Abby, Blog, Featured Columns
It’s holiday season central here at Beer Abby. Merry Christmas to all my Christian pals! Happy Hanukkah to all my Jewish buds! Happy Kwanzaa to all my NAACP peeps! And happy Winter Solstice to all my friends with two-seater Pontiacs! It’s me, Santa Bru, bringing you all kinds of goodies to the good little boys and girls, and especially to bad girls over 18. Come up and sit on my lap…Don’t worry, that’s just a petrified sausage in my pocket. Now, what do you want for Christmas? I know, you want your email questions answered by an expert! So here we go…
Is it “Hanukkah” or “Chanukah”?
Either one is acceptable but both are pronounced the same. Unless you’re an Asian action-film star, in which case it’s pronounced “Jackie Chanukah”.
Why eight reindeer? Why not seven or nine? Or six or ten?
Easy. Six would not be enough to lift the sleigh. Ten would cost too much to feed and maintain. Seven and nine are just too odd…and Seven Of Nine is just too hot to allow St. Nick to focus!
Where did the abbreviation “Xmas” come from?
Curious in Kansas
Depends on whether you read Wikipedia or “A Christmas Carol Does Dallas” (oh, wait, that’s XXXmas…)
Egg nog or peppermint schnapps?
Al K. Holic
Neither! It’s Beer nog. Just like egg nog except you use beer instead of eggs. Yum. I hear it’s what Judas served at the last supper, which is why you see all of the other guys in the painting moving around. They couldn’t believe how good it was!
Dear Mr. Hed–
I read that Jesus was actually born in the autumn and the real reason Christmas is celebrated on Dec. 25th is because it’s the day Charlemagne was crowned emperor.
Dear Mr. Schmartty-pants–
That ain’t what my pastor told me, and he swears he talks to God directly. (Though he always seems to slur his words and walk crooked when he tells me that. Come to think of it, his breath smells a lot like tequila. He always says it’s from his Mexican sugarless gum…)
I noticed the Seahawks and the 49ers are playing on Christmas Eve. Will Jim Harbaugh be dressing up as Thug Santa?
I don’t know but I wouldn’t shake his hand! If you’re interested, Pascale has another one of his dumb Game BUZZ strips about the game for you:
What’s your favorite Holiday animated special?
L. Van Pelt
Gotta go with Santa Claus Is Comin’ To Town. All the Rankin-Bass ones were pretty great but man, that redhead with the big eyes, tiny mouth and hourglass bod was friggin’ hot. I’d love to show her my burger-meister sometime!
And the last one before we close for the season:
What will you be wishing for this holy season? Peace on Earth or Goodwill toward men?
I wish every man on earth will have a good piece! As long as I get one first.
And speaking of goodwill, I’m still in the giving mood! This is your last chance to pick up THE COLLECTED BRU-HED for a Christmas discount! That’s 128 punny pages of parody and comedy under color covers! Original price is a (perfectly reasonable) $13.95, but mention you saw it on this column and get it for just $6.00–US postage included! That’s more than 60% OFF! Offer expires December 24th, 2011. Find out more and place your order here TODAY.
THANKS. And let me know if any of your maroons are reading the disclaimers.
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a certified therapist or department store Santa. All information herein is meant for entertainment and self-promotion only. All material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send heavy metal CDs. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if needed. Because Lord knows you’re not as funny as you think you are! Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way, not even with your ass on a Xerox machine. Contents copyright 2011 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. If you mention you read this, you’ll get half off a portrait of me and a hot bimbo (or himbo). Click the Contact link at the top of page, if you’re smart enough to find it! Merry Christmas to all, even the poor, clueless and lazy fools who aren’t reading this…