Hey, all you wieners and boozers! Hope your Halloween was a helluva good one, full of candy, chocolate, cool costumes and cold beer. Now it’s time to focus back on your lousy life and how I can make it better! Let’s get to your emails and my awesome advice:
I’ve been watching Greece for weeks now and can’t believe how much it’s affecting my life. I’m angered and upset about this situation. What should I do?
Dude, you need to watch another movie. I mean yeah, Olivia Newton-John was hot and all, but it ain’t worth watching for weeks! No straight guy should be watching a musical more than once, and that’s only to make points with the wife or goilfriend.
Now that there have been a few issues out, what do you think of DC’s new 52? Which are your favorites?
The only way to answer that would be to actually read them, and to read them I’d have to buy them. To do that would cost me three bucks times 104 (two issues of each title) which comes to…umm…lemme get the calculator…Holy monkey crap! $312! (Not including tax, which I have to pay out here.) If you think I’m gonna blow that kinda coin just to form an opinion on something I can’t drink or eat or screw, yer crazier than DC’s management! That dough would buy me enough beer to last at least a month.
How do I get girls to notice me? I smile at all the ones I see and they just seem to ignore me.
There are a few ways to go about this. You could unzip your pants and whip our your little Noah, yelling, “Say hello to my not-so little friend”, which is sure to get you noticed by every girl you encounter–along with the cops. If you don’t want to do time, you could start working out, eating healthy and building up some muscles, while updating your wardrobe and hairstyle to the latest trends and walking with tons of confidence and swagger. But that would take months if not years. Who’s got that kind of time?
The last technique is to simply grab a wad of play money, wrap it in a real 20-dollar bill, and wave it in every girl’s face you see. Nothing like a big roll of cash to make a skirt look past a roll of flab! (Am I right or am I right, Ladies? Everyone knows Beauty fell for the Beast’s bankroll.) I say try that one first before moving to the other two.
Some people think I’m an unethical jerk for disclosing people’s personal stuff and reporting rumors as “news” on my bleedin’ cool website. I think I’m just doing what real reporters do and validating my career choice, since no real news site wants me. What do you think?
Hey, Dick (heh heh):
You should be talking to your therapist. Any guy who digs dishing dirt on 80-year-old artists and their wives needs a whole team of professional help. You make me look like Ghandi, dude. Yeesh.
I’m still without power because of the stupid snowstorm last week. What tips do you have for dealing with extended power outtages?
Man, that sucks. I remember being in the Big Blackout of ’03 and can sympathize. What helped me get thru it okay was doing the following:
1. Eat all the food left in the fridge and freezer.
2. Drink all the beer in the fridge before it gets warm.
3. Pack up a bunch of clothes and porn or whatever else you need and crash at a buddy’s place for however long it takes before your power comes back. (Pick a pal who has the most beer. That way you can hopefully save some dough to restock your fridge later.)
Hang in there and stay positive, Easterners. Just be glad you don’t have to deal with the beautiful weather, gorgeous chicks and flaky politics out west.
And last one for the week:
I heard you met Michael D. Hamersky, the Facebook comics blog guy. Is it true you tried to hit on his wife?
Long Beach Comic Con fan
Hey, funny fan–
YES I met “The Hammer” of comics and NO I didn’t hit on his wife! What kind of mug do ya think I am? I’d never dream of hitting on some other guy’s gal. (Unless I was a lot bigger than him.) Michael was a cool dude and you should read his blog on that Facebook thingy. Lots more stuff there for you geekster types. (I’m waiting for him to start a beer blog!)
Till next week, save the aisle seat for me. All this brew makes me pee sometimes.
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