Beer Abby #12 November 17, 2011 – Posted in: Beer Abby, Blog, Featured Columns – Tags: Beery Abby, Mike Pascale
Where does the time go? Holy monkey crap, next week is Thanksgivin’ already! That means two football games for me to bet on—um, I mean enjoy. And of course, lots of pizza with turkey toppings to go with the sausage, ham, beef and bacon I usually put on there. (Of course, I have ‘em stick a few green peppers on there so I get my veggies. Gotta stay healthy, ya know!) So let’s get to your embarrassing emails and queer queries before we get geared up for holiday hijinks. Here goes!
How do I change the oil in my car? I checked it and it’s looking kinda nasty.
The way I do it is easy; it only takes seven steps:
1. Get your Sunday newspaper.
2. Find a coupon for a local oil change place.
3. Clip it out.
4. Drive there.
5. Hand them the coupon.
6. Pay them when they’re done.
7. Drive home and have a beer.
Like everything else, working on cars is easy once you know how to do it! And remember to repeat every 3,000-4,000 miles. Especially the “beer” part.
Who the hell reads the Sunday paper anymore? Don’t you have an iPad or iPhone?
Yeah, yeah, I know. I don’t have an iPad because I don’t have iPeriods. I don’t have an iPhone because I listen with my e-ars and talk with my m-outh.
Seriously, the tiny screens on the phones hurt my peepers. And the tablet thingies don’t work for me because after I have my usual Cheetos, Doritos or Jalapéno Tostitos, the screens turn orange and greasy and don’t work! Really stupid design. When they come out with a snack-resistant touch-screen, I’ll pop. Till then, I read the paper, which I can also use for packing boxes, kindling, and cleaning up after I read the latest PLAYBOY. (Another publication I can never read on a tablet for obvious practical–and sanitary–reasons.)
Why does everyone misspell your last name? They get the first one right even though it’s spelled different, but the last one, they always spell “Head.” Reminds me of how often people forget the hyphen in “Spider-Man.” What gives?
I wish I knew. WHAT’S SO HARD? Each name is three friggin’ letters. Bru. Hed. That’s H-E-D. Perfectly balanced–three and three. Get it RIGHT, people!
How many beers did it take for you to start believing you could give anyone sage advice?
A lifetime’s worth!
(And if anyone needs advice on sage, I found out it’s a spice. Also used for making tea. At least that’s what Google sez!) Thanks for askin’.
I’m pretty angry that the guy accused of pedophilia in the Penn State fiasco is named after my wonderful city. I think he’s ruining our tourist business for our amusement parks and other family-friendly attractions. What do you suggest?
That sucks, dude. You can try three things: One, you petition or sue the Penn State Athletic Department (now abbreviated “NAMBLA”) to stop using the name “Sandusky” in all press communications. Two, you sue to force the accused to change his name. Three, if/when he’s tried and found guilty, you give him free admission to Cedar Point, put him on the Mantis and loosen the screws so he conveniently falls to his deserved doom and it looks like an accident. Tell everyone his name was Jerry Springer instead. Problem solved!
Paper or plastic?
Depends: bags or bras?
Rats, last one:
We’re past the halfway point of the season. Who do you think will win the Super Bowl®?
I’d love to see the Lions finally get there, but the world isn’t supposed to end till 2012. So I gotta go with the fudge Packers. It’ll be them and Baltimore, but Rogers will repeat so he can be a dick to Brett. You watch!
Okay, I’m outta here. Gotta pick up some more beer for the weekend. And more chips that end in “Os”. Love those things.
P.S.: You can still get a damn fine discount on my awesome trade paperback collection, THE COLLECTED BRU-HED. It contains no less than five comics’ worth of entertainment plus other stuff to make you giggle, chortle, guffaw and choke up soda thru yer nose. Just click here!
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed judge, jury or executioner (tho he wishes he was sometimes). Joe Paterno. All information herein is meant for entertainment and troule-making purposes only. Kim Kardashian. All material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send free car magazines. Justin Bieber. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and comedy. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any unless you give us credit, a link and a beer. Charlie Sheen. Be good. Contents copyright 2011 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. We hope SEO really helps our hits. Barack Obama, baby daddy.