BEER ABBY #14: “DC Brand Is Hot, Aguilera Is Not” December 1, 2011 – Posted in: Beer Abby, Blog, Featured Columns
Hello there, bastids and beeyotches! Hope your Tanks-giving gave you a tankful of food-and-football fun (unless you happened to bet on the Lions and Fins like I did. Thank goodness for the Crows!) Time to get back to woik and help you on with your lousy lives. Here’s some emails:
Pretzels, potato chips, tortilla chips, cheese puffs, popcorn, peanuts or pork rinds?
Yes! Bring ‘em over and I’ll supply the beer.
A bully at school hurt my feelings. What should I do about it?
Very simple. Hurt his feelings back–preferably with a right cross. (If he’s bigger than you, a kick to the cojones works even better. Then run like hell.)
What’s up with the NFL’s new rules “protecting” everyone? Seems like there are a lot more penalties now.
I hear ya. Ever since a couple “big-name” players got minor concussions, everything is about protecting the QBs, the receivers, and pretty much everyone else except the viewers, who have to watch all these stupid penalties suck the momentum and enjoyment out of the game. To make it worse, the league wants everyone to bet on the over, as they are doing everything to encourage scoring and shut down the defense. I mean, really, no contact after five yards? Interference calls at the spot of the foul? Free first-and-goals? I swear the refs are gonna call the defense for farting too loud. Or bad breath.
It’s shameful and stupid and insulting. I say just put the quarterbacks and receivers in dresses so we at least know who the men are on the field!
I’m trying to get my wife to dress up as Batgirl so I can get aroused. I can’t fulfill my husbandly duties unless she has her Barb Gordon on! She thinks it’s too weird and the outfit is too warm. I offered to open a window or even turn up the A/C.
You gotta start reading some Marvels.
Christina Aguilera used to be so smokin’. What happened to her?
From what I see, it looks like she ate Justin Bieber!
And one more:
Ad Age says DC is a “hot brand” ‘cause their relaunches sold well. What do you think?
I think they have ADD like everyone else in the stupid media. It’s been what, three issues? Hardly enough time to determine the success of a new line. What happened when they relaunched Superman in 1986? When they killed him in ’92? And what about when Marvel restarted their big titles in the 90s–not to mention all the success of Marvel’s movies the last decade. If anyone’s “hot”, it’s them! (I don’t know where Ad Age shops, but everywhere I go, there’s a lot more Marvel-themed merchandise than DC.) Why don’t these media maroons do some actual research for a change?
Besides, I’ll tell you what brand is really hot–Vicky’s Secret!! Gotta love those lingerie commercials, fashion shows and catalogs (I have mine laminated). They’ve been putting wood in my shorts for like 20 years, man! Way hotter than dudes in spandex.
And speaking of spandex and spanking, I’m again reminding you to pick up THE COLLECTED BRU-HED for a holiday discount! Superhero parodies and super-hot swimsuit models fill the pages, along with lots of great gags with yours Bruly. Cover price is a (perfectly reasonable) $13.95, but mention you saw it on this column and get it for just $5.00! That’s more than 60% OFF! US postage is just two bucks. Find out more and place your order here TODAY.
THANKS and have a great December to remember, my members!
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a certified mathematician or marketing expert. But he knows what he likes. All information herein is meant for entertainment and ulterior purposes only. All material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send free DC 52 first issues. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and comedy. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any unless you give us credit or dough. Contents copyright 2011 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. First fan in 2011 who mentions this section in the comments gets a free sketch of me.