Wow, where did the time go? Seems like 2011 was just a couple weeks ago. Oh yeah, it was. Now we only have 49 weeks till the world ends! Even worse, about 45 weeks till the stupid Presidential election. Wouldn’t that suck if you were elected and then the world blew up before you could even take office? I’m waiting for one of the ultra-religious candidates to to pull out just for that reason. Guaranteed comedy.
Anyway, let’s get to your questions.
Beer Abby: Did you hear about the Papa Johns employee that took an Asian customer’s order and typed “Miss Chinky Eyes” on her receipt? What did you think?
A. Bunker Queens, NY
Dear Bunkie eyes:
Yes, and I saw a picture of the customer. I thought her eyes were more Korean. Hey Bru-Hed– So who are you rooting for in the NFL playoffs?
Tim T. Denver, CO
Well, let’s break it down by game:
Giants vs. Packers: Though I live on the Left Coast, I’m originally from New Yawk, so who do ya think I’m gonna root for? Plus, while Green Bay is a nice city and all, QB Aaron Rodgers has become too Aaron the Arrogant. And their fubsy coach seems to have the personality of a lawn chair. Gotta go wit’ the G-MEN!
Saints vs. 49ers: Okay, everyone who knows me knows I’m straight as an arrow and have no desire for Frisco frollickers. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, just that I’d rather have dental work than visit that place. (There are hot chicks there, but who knows what they want? Last time I tried to pick up a lez lass, she kicked in my cajones. And of course, coach Jim Harbaugh is a dick. Now in New Orleans, there are scores of straight and bi-babes willing to lift up their shirts and show off their golden globes for stupid beads. What could be better? Saints go marchin’ in and then out with a victory.
Ravens vs. Texans: Normally I root for the underpup (see above), but the Texans are just too dang new. Gotta pay their dues a few more years. Plus, Houston is godawful hot and humid in the summer. Baltimore, however, is the home of Steve Geppi and Diamond Comics, world’s only major comic book distributor. Since this site is run and read by goofy comics fans, I gotta bless da boids. So I say rah, rah Ravens and say “nevermore” to the Texans’ playoff run.
Patriots vs. Broncos: Tough one here. Tom Brady is overrated and everyone thinks he’s touchdown Jesus. But same with Tim Tebow–can you say, “over exposure? Brady is married to a supermodel and pisses me off. But she’s a hottie. The coach of New England, Bill Belidick, was caught cheating. And he mumbles, never smiles, and acts like he’s never happy. Denver is a great town, with great scenery and lots of loose, hippie college chicks in Boulder. New England is–well, what? Not a city or town, not a state. A bunch of states? A “region.” How friggin’ vague is that? The weather sucks and the people talk funny. But I can’t stand to listen to anymore Tebow Time trash, especially from the hypocritical Bible-thumpin’ whiteys who cream over him. So I’m goin’ wit’ the Patsies. But barely.
Crap, I yapped so much we only got room for one more:
Beer Abby– Chartists and analysts are predicting a good year for the stock market. What’s your number one pick?
J. Cramer East Rutherford, NJ
Tough call. Pepsi (symbol PEP) makes some of my favorite snacks, but no beer. Anheuser-Busch In Bev (BUD) makes my favorite beer but no snacks–and they allowed themselves to be bought out by friggin’ Belgians. I like the casinos like WYNN, MGM and LVS but they take too much of my dough as it is. Hmmm…Okay, I’ll go with Rick’s Cabaret Int’l, the only publicly-traded chain of strip clubs! That way, next time I visit one, I can say to the hottie givin’ me a lap dance, “I’m a stockholder…How ’bout I hold your bonds while you stuff ’em in my face?” Yeah, that’ll work!
And speaking of work, ain’t it time you got back to yours instead of playing on the Internet again? But I do appreciate ya stoppin’ by. Tell yer buddies about this column and have ’em send me some decent questions! Just click on the “contact” button at the top o’ the page. Anyone who gets five people to send me a question gets a free Bru-Hed™ jar gripper/baby non-skid device!
P.S.: NEW YEAR DEAL! I’ll let you snap up my trade paperback collection, THE COLLECTED BRU-HED, for a 2012 end-of-the-world price of just $12.00–US postage included! That’s two bucks off the cover price and Yours Bruly pays the ridiculous postage cost for you! You get 128 pages of b & w fun-filled comics and more. For details or to place your order, click here TODAY.
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed stockbroker, analyst or anything remotely related to the finance industry. He can barely balance a checkbook! No advice is given or implied, unless you’re a complete moron. All information herein is meant for entertainment and goofiness purposes only. All material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send a bunch of those fun little football helmets from gumball machines. (Anyone sending me one for the Vikings, Chiefs, Chargers, Broncos, Panthers, Jaguars, Colts and Lions gets a free trade paperback!) We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if you’re Newt Gingrich. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way, now or ever, even with a time machine or wormhole. Contents copyright 2011 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. The Republican candidates are either whack-jobs, bigots or clueless a-holes. Where’s Abe Lincoln when ya need ‘em?