Hope everyone out there survived the Super Bowl and all the food comas afterwards. hard to go back to life without football for the next six months. Let’s put that horrid thought out of our minds for now and get right into it, shall we?
All I hear about is New York Giants this and Eli Manning that. The stupid Super Bowl was a week ago! Aren’t you sick of hearing about it yet?
Actually, NO! I could hear about that great victory all day. Congratulations to my G-MEN on a fantastic last-second win! Friggin’ exciting game. As good as the last matchup–even without a helmet catch. (Manningham’s grab on the sidelines was pretty close in terms of “Holy Monkey Crap!” factor. Must be something about having “Manning” as part of your last name that makes you awesome). Glad to hear Brady’s beeyotch wife Gazelle get her panties in a Bunchen at the fans because her hubby sucked–blaming his receivers for dropping their balls. She doesn’t have any, so what the hell does she know about football? “Nuff said.
What did you think of the movie UNDERWORLD? Worth seeing?
Actually I thought it was better than the last one. Kate Beckinsale not only still kicks major werewolf butt, but hers still looks hot as hell in tight leather pants. Not only did the movie have non-stop action and over-the-top horror effects, she made me want to clean those pants with a good dose of protein polish! Go see it for the gore and fun if nothing else.
When do you think Brady and Bellichick will get back to the big one?
Most insiders are predicting the Patsies won’t be back for awhile. No more Super Bowls for pretty boy Tommy or sour-puss hoody Bellichick? Let’s hope so. Maybe they’ll fry in headlights like those goofy vampires in the beer commercial I saw. (Most of Bud’s sucked this year, though. That “Platinum” brand tastes like the metal and the commercials were boring as hell. This is the same company that gave us the awesome “WHAZZZUP?” ads? Yikes.)
Nearly every night, one side of my nose swells up and gets stuffed so I can’t breathe out of it. What do you do for a stuffy nose, especially on one side only?
Okay, here’s surefire method that works–but it’s a bit unorthodox. Lie on the side that works (so if your right side is stuffed, lie on your left side). Prop yourself up with an elbow. GENTLY place an Altoid mint just inside the plugged nostril (so you can still easily reach it, of course). Let it sit there while you breathe thru your mouth (do NOT sniff in, obviously). Do that for a good two to ten minutes or until you start to feel some relief. Then gently take the mint out and go back to sleep, preferably on your side to also let gravity help. If you’re dumb or clumsy enough to get the Altoid stuck and can’t reach it, grab a tissue, plug the other side of your nose and blow it out. If you get it lodged in your brain and die, don’t sue me because I just told you how to do it right!
Please settle a bet. How many Alan Moores does it take to change a light bulb?
That’s easy! Four. One to change the original bulb into his own, one to take credit for it, one to negotiate a lousy contract, and one to get upset with the bulb company for wanting to take advantage of the bulb’s success!
Okay, here’s the last one before I try to adjust to a life without the NFL until the draft:
Hey, Mr. Hed–
If you were a priest, would you marry two gay men?
New Liberace, NV
Hey Mr. Simmons–
Trick question! If I were a priest, I’d be forbidden from marrying ANYone, let alone two dudes. (Polygamy is against the rules too.) Nice try, tho–you forget how quick the wheels in my massive mind roll! Better luck next time, yo-yo.
See yas next week. Meanwhile, keep thinking football and drnking beer!
P.S.: To occupy the football-less months, you’ll need quality reading material. So why not grab a thick and fulfilling copy of my paperback collection, THE COLLECTED BRU-HED, for a too-cheap price just $10.00–US postage included?! That’s THREE bucks off the cover price and art-guy Pascale pays the insane postage cost for you! You get 128 pages of b & w fun-filled comics and more. For details or to place your order, click here TODAY.