Greetings, fans and fanettes–Did you catch those wacky Oscars? Didja notice I went six of seven in my predictions including backups? (I woulda gone seven for seven if I had mentioned my backup choice for Best Pic, The Artist. I figured the only thing that trumps white guilt in Hollywood is its backpatting nostalgia for the so-called Golden Age. The Academy fell for the pandering hook, line and silent sinker.) Not a bad performance for a guy like me who didn’t see any of the stupid nominees! Now if there were some way I could extend that expertise to betting on football, I’d be Trump rich!
Anyway, let’s get to your emails:
Beer Abby– What was your impression of Billy Crystal hosting the Academy Awards?
E. Murphy Brooklyn, NY
I don’t do impressions. Unless I’ve had too many beers. And considering I’ve only had two six packs so far, I’m nowhere near that point yet. Dear Bru: With Kodak filing bankruptcy and removing their name from the famous theater, what will they call it for next year’s Oscars?
G. Clooney Slighted, CA
How about the “Lower Ratings Than The Grammys Theater”?
Hey Bru-Hed– what do you think of Kevin Smith’s new show, COMIC BOOK MEN? I think it’s terrific.
Stan L. Hollywood, CA
It ain’t bad. That is, if you dig watching a bunch of comic geek losers sitting around a table sucking up to the only one of their own who actually makes a decent living. Smith is hilarious. But where the hell are the chicks? I see comic hotties in skimpy costumes in all those photos Pascale takes when he goes to those silly conventions. Why aren’t they showing up at Smith’s store? Do they want viewers or don’t they? Unless they start appraising classic beer cans and old Playboys, I got better things to watch. Yo, B-H: I think my brakes on my car might be wearing out. How can I tell?
Otto Pahrts Detroit, MI
Finally, a man’s man’s question! Two ways to check your brakes from the driver’s seat: one, listen for any type of squealing or high-picthed sounds when you come to a stop. Two, put the car in gear and press your foot all the way down on the brake; try to stick your other foot underneath, between the pedal and the floor. If you can’t fit your foot in there or the pedal touches the floot, you need it fixed. Squeals usually mean the pads or linings are worn; the pedal distance could be trouble with the master cylinder. (That’s the part n the engine compartment that controls the brake fluid, NOT the villian from the old Felix The Cat cartoons. Good grief.)
Dear Mr. Hed: What did you do for leap day? You told us to make it special since it only comes by every four years. I drew The Fantastic Four in my sketchbook, since there’s four of them. Aren’t I clever?
M. Pascale Central Valley, CA
Let’s go in reverse order: First, you ain’t clever. Only clever thing you ever did was write and draw and publish my AWESOME comics half a gazillion years ago. (Which you can still read in my trade paperback collection, called–what else–THE COLLECTED BRU-HED. PLace your order and get a great discount here.)
Second, drawing dumb superheroes in your stupid sketchbook is a lame way to commemorate a four year event! I mean, who’s gonna see it, let alone care? Dumbass.
Third, what did I do? Something a lot more important and appropriate: I watched FOUR HOURS of highlights of FOUR Super Bowls, namely IV, XVI, XL and XLIV. (Get it? That’s 4, 16, 40 and 44 if you can’t read Roman), while drinking FOUR 40-ouncers and eating FOUR giant slices of deep dish pizza!!! I stimulated the economy, nourished myself, and paid tribute to some great athletes. You see why I’m so worthy and cool you’re not? This is why people read Bru-Hed comics and not Pascale-Face comics. Now go start on a NEW adventure for me, will ya? My public awaits.
Crap, we only got room for one more:
Beer Abby– How many Oscar hosts does it take to change a light bulb?
Billy C. Sexigenarian, NY
The answer is two. One really funny one to bow out and one PC type to take his place.
Well, that’s all for now. I wanna thank the members of the academy for the great honor of ripping on their lame-ass awards show. Thanks for still not making it better or shorter after 84 years!
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed Academy Awards host, nor has he ever set foot in any academy of any kind. No advice is given or implied unless it helps him. All information herein is meant for entertainment and giggling purposes only. All material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send photos of skydiving monkeys. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if you’re as humorless as lameass self-righteous comic geeks. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way by you or the western Ghost Rider. Contents copyright 2012 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. Where’s the love for Dick Ayers? At least his Ghost Rider wore a hat.