BEER ABBY #29: “St. Patrick’s Day, Tom Cruise, John Travolta and Leprechauns” March 15, 2012 – Posted in: Beer Abby, Blog, Featured Columns
by Bru-Hed ©2012 All Ages Media
Ya Ta Hey, palefaces and pilgrims! (That’s a gen-u-ine Indian American Native greeting I got from a real redskin. Or maybe it was a Redskins fan, I forget. Whatever.) It’s time again to save your miserable lives from misery with mirth and merriment, you muthas! (HA! I been readin’ Stan Lee lately. Can ya tell? Love that guy.) Let’s get right to your emailed enquiries:
Every week I get chased by little kids. They all seem to want my red box full of little green clovers, yellow moons, pink hearts, blue diamonds and purple horseshoes. But what really sucks is, on St. Patrick’s Day, I get chased by a bunch of drunk college kids, who seem to think I have either a pot of gold or gold pot. They want the gold to buy pot or the pot to sell for gold. Thankfully I can escape by running them in circles till they puke, but it’s really, really annoying. I’m so
tired. Any suggestions?
Wow, that’s a bummer. I hate kids, myself. As Stephen Colbert says, they’re only here to replace us, so I don’t trust the little bastards as far as I can throw ’em. And when they grow up to be drunk college kids, it’s even worse! Regarding your situation, try changing your clothes first; wear beige, gray or black so you don’t stand out as much. Try speaking with a diffrent accent–American, Australian or South African. And buy a gun. That usually discourages the drunks.
Quick question: I bought some avocados and they’re not ripe enough; too hard. But I need to use them tomorrow. What do I do?
Hard Fruit In Foodie
Actually, all you gotta do is put them in a shoe box with a banana. Put them in a cool dark place overnight and they’ll be good to go the next day.
There’s a cute guy at the movie studio I really like. I’ve done everything I can think of to let him know I like him–I’ve winked at him, flirted, worn a skirt with no undies, slipped topless photos into his briefcase, emailed him nude videos, even left a copy of the Playboy issue I was in on his front porch. Yet he still hasn’t asked me out. What should I do?
Culver City, CA
Forget him! Travolta’s married and not interested. Send those photos and videos to me and I’ll see that they get to someone much more deserving of a dish–um, I mean dame–err, I mean woman–like you! Click “Contact” at the top of this page to send JPEGs and I’ll take it from there.
And finally, gang…
I’m a terrifically huge movie star. I get millions of dollars for one picture. I look taller on screen but I’m really under 5’5″. I interviewed a lot of women to be my wife before I picked Katie. She now sleeps on the opposite side of the house, while I bring in various guys now and then for fun. The public thinks I’m macho and could not pull off such an impossible mission for so long. But I have, and I will continue to do so. Only thing is, it’s really dark where I live; seems like it’s been dark and cramped for a couple decades at least. And coats! I keep having dreams that I’m surrounded by coats and jackets from morning to night. What do you think?
I think you really need to come out of the closet, dude. Do all of us a favor. Really.
Thanks for tuning in, gang. have a good, safe St. Patrick’s Day if you’re Irish. If you’re not, get drunk anyway! Just stay off the roads and keep the green in your pocket. Meanwhile, click on the “CONTACT” button up top and send me some good questions, especially when you’re wasted–they’re funnier that way!
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed leprechaun, nor does he know how to spell it. No advice is given or implied unless it helps me help you. All information herein is meant for entertainment and tittering purposes only (that’s tittering, not Twittering). All material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send one one Kevin Smith’s stinky hockey jerseys. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if you’re as humorless as One Million Moms (aka 40 Thousand Uptight Wenches). Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way by you or Joe Quesada. Contents copyright 2012 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. Liquor before beer, never fear. Beer before liquor, cheaper than malt liquor.