Beer Abby #30: John Carter, My Favorite Martian; Donald Trump Celebrity Apprentice and Internet Piracy March 22, 2012 – Posted in: Beer Abby, Blog, Featured Columns

©2012 All Ages Media

 

Hello, mellow yellows! (And reds, browns, blacks and whites–no discrimination here.) It’s me, Bru-Hed, coaching you thru the game of life as if it were a meaningless pre-season game. Because that’s pretty much what your life will amount to in the scheme of things. (Sorry, someone had to say it.) But don’t despair–send me your deepest, darkest desires, questions, troubles, curiosities and what-nots and I’ll do my best to give you a reason to get up in the morning, other than to pee.

It’s a short one this week because I have to attend a beer-making class over the weekend. Let’s get started!
Beer Abby–
Hey, what did you think of that John Carter flop? I can’t believe it lost 200 mil. Disney really sucks at movies, don’t they? And that Pixar director Andrew Stanton is finished.

D. Geffen
Dreamworks, CA

Dear D.–
Wait a minute! The damn movie’s been out for less than three weeks! It hasn’t lost $200 million yet. We still have to wait for domestic box office totals, international box office, DVD, Blu-Ray, OnDemand and downloads. Good friggin’ grief. I actually dug the film, and so would you if you just TOOK THE TIME TO ACTUALLY SEE IT before you jump all over it, dude. At least know what you’re talking about before you trash something. And Andrew Stanton has proven himself one helluva director and creative force with Wall-E and Finding Nemo and other stuff at Pixar. But you’re right–Disney sucks because the lame-ass coward exec who inherited JC and wanted it to fail is a piece of crap. I hope it backfires and he gets canned for his lousy marketing job, tinkering and smear campaign against it. Granted, it’s no Animal House or even Porky’s, but at least let a movie succeed or not on its own!

 

Deer Bru-Hed:
What do you think about Internet Piracy?

Bill Bluebeard
Hackersack, NJ

Dear Billy:
What’s an internet pirate look like? Does he wear an eyepatch? Does he have an iPhone with a picture of a parrot on his shoulder?

 

Hey Bru–
You been watching Donald Trump and Celebrity Apprentice? Who do you like?

G. Takei
Boldly, CO

Hey, G.–
What a train wreck this season turned out to be, eh? Why is ol’ dead-squirrel head such a dick? He asks a question then immediately cuts the person off before they can finish answering. WTF? If he wants one-word answers he should ask yes or no questions! And did you see when Adam Corrolla showed his integrity and took the bullet for his team’s loss, yet Donny boy also fired Michael Andretti for NO good reason? Total dick move. To make it worse, when titanic “T”-queen Tia Carrera did the same thing for her team’s loss, he didn’t fire anyone else! No reason, no logic, no integrity, no ethics on that Trump dump. You know his casino went bankrupt several years ago and he tried to blow it off, right? And he’s had more wives this side of Larry King. Says a lot. At least my hair looks cool!

And to answer your question, I’m rooting for either rocker Dee Snider, Penn Gillette or Lisa Lampanelli. Only because she’s funny as hell and dirty-mouthed like me, and all the hot chicks that didn’t have annoying voices or accents are gone. (If I hear that crazy-eyed Aubry chick drone on and on again I’m gonna pour beer in my ears!)

 

Beer Abby:
I want to be an artist like that handsome Mike Pascale dude. What kind of pencil should I use?

E. Beaver
Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan

Hey, Beav–
If you think Pascale is handsome, someone must’ve punched you in the Moose Jaw and loosened your eyeballs. But to answer your question, he says most pencillers use anything between a 2B (or not 2B) and 3H. The “B” pencils are softer and the “H” are harder (H for hard, B for…umm…butt soft? Who knows). The higher the number, the softer/harder the lead. Too soft and you’ll get a lot of pencil dust and potential smudging. Too hard and you’ll dig grooves into the board making it hard to ink and erase (which Pascale does a LOT of–not good if you have a gorilla grip on the pencil like he does). In between B and H is “F” (for just Fine?) which he likes too. But just like women, experiment with a lot of different types till you find what you like!

 

Anyway, that’s it for this week, chimney chums. (Only my buds blow smoke up my butt.) Now scroll up and click the “Contact” button to send me something questionable!

 

Later,
Bru

 

Bru-Hed Closeup

 

DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed apprentice. No advice is given or implied unless it makes good beer. All information herein is meant for entertainment and ranting purposes only. All material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send topless pics of Tia or Aubry (no audio on the latter please). We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if you’re as humorless sourpuss Trump (ba dump bump). Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way by you or Alan Moore’s whining alter ego (and what an ego!). Contents copyright 2012 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. Moebius drew some nice-lookin’ ladies!

 

 

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