Bru-Hed’s BEER ABBY #32: “Hunger Games Hottie, Easter Eggs, Snow White and the Dwarfed Republicans” April 5, 2012 – Posted in: Beer Abby, Blog, Featured Columns
by Bru-Hed ©2012 All Ages Media
Good morning, afternoon or evening, all my April fools! Nice to see my seekers of truth and wisdom again. This is your bud Bru here to help you cope with life, liver, tea and the pursuit of crappiness. Here’s to making Good Friday a great Friday by answering your emails today:
Who do you think is going to win the Republican nomination?
I don’t know if you’d call it “winning”. Unless you’re Charlie Sheen. No matter who gets nominated, they’re in for a big fight and a lot of closet-cleaning. Not only do the liberal media look for skeletons, they dig for fossil bones no matter how small! If you so much as skipped a parking ticket in your teens, they’ll plaster it all over the place and make you sound like a bad guy anyway. Maybe if you can save a few busloads of orphans, cure cancer and get Jesus to endorse you on Twitter, you’ll get treated fairly. Maybe!
Don’t you think we should get rid of the Fed? What do we do about the multi-trillion dollar national debt?
Hmmm…I notice both you guys are from Washington. Too bad the Redskins sucked last season! Anyway, we need the Fed to do the crap that the Fed does because no one else wants to do it. Besides, who else would be able to print money? The dollar bills I got in my wallet are getting nasty. I like getting the crisp new ones. As for the debt, that’s easy. We need to sell more stuff to China instead of buying it from them. They’re buying tons of iPhones and iPods already, so let’s step it up! They already dig Mickey Mouse. Make one that’s Chinese. Publish some Captain Commie comics. Send ’em Bruce Lee DVDs. With over a billion people there, if we get ’em all to spend just a hundred bucks a month, we’ll be in the clear in no time.
I finally saw that HUNGER GAMES movie everyone’s been talking about. Did you think it was as good as the books? And why is everyone in the Districts so depressed and sad all the time? All these “distopian” futures look so bleak and dreary.
First, I don’t waste my time reading books. Everything I need to know is in my Sports Illustrated subscription (mostly the Swimsuit Issue) and what isn’t I can find in the occasional copy of Bazooms and Bums. The flick was okay, thanks to the hot-bodded Jennifer Lawrence (who’s actually 18 and fair game, I’m sure; otherwise I could be in trouble). As for the reason the movie’s future teens are so bummed out, it’s simple: None of them have cell phones and can’t text each other!! Truly bleak environment for every teenie-bopper.
My gal wants to see that Snow White MIRROR MIRROR flick. My kids want to see it too. Will it be as painful to sit thru as the trailers look?
Look, it’s your family. Ya gotta keep the wife happy if you want your dolphin waxed now and then. Ya gotta keep the kids happy so they’ll keep quiet and give you at least an hour’s peace when you need it. The flick is actually pretty funny. I actually dug the dwarves, and the Beast in the forest was done pretty well. Yeah, some of the costumes were not for straights, but you couldn’t help but enjoy the bright colors and wacky outfits. Julia Roberts looked pretty good for an older broad, the Snow White chick, Lily something, was a pretty good actress with a decent bod and a nice helmet. (Though ya gotta get past the caterpillar eyebrows. You know the old saying, “Bushy above the eyes, bushy between the thighs!” Let’s hope she keeps the lawn trimmed and edged, if ya know what I mean.) Anyway, go have fun. If nothing else, enjoy the popcorn!
We bought a bunch of eggs to paint for Easter. We’ll have some left over to eat. How do I tell if an egg is fresh?
Easy. Just put it in a bowl with enough water to cover it completely. If the egg sits on its side on the bottom, it’s fresh. if it kind of stands on its end near the bottom, it’s okay to eat, just not that fresh. And if it floats to the surface, it’s as rotten as a Goldman Sachs executive. Toss it in the garbage…or better yet, wing it at one of those execs!
I didn’t even bother with the MegaMillions jackpot. A gazillion people were buying tickets and the odds were like 750 million to one! Why waste your money?
Yeah, that’s true. But the odds are 750 million to ZERO if you don’t play! So I throw in a few bucks and buy a ticket or twelve. As long as I’m not using beer money, it’s worth it. In fact, I *did* have the winning numbers! Bad thing was, those a-holes at the lottery just didn’t pick the same ones.
Next time. (Once I win I’m buying this stupid site and making all the arteests draw BEER CANS!)
Well, that’s it for now. Hope your Easter is full of Peeps with your peeps, tasty chocolate bunnies with tasty chocolate honeys, and baskets with balls…the big orange kind that made Kentucky a winner! HA!
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed Easter bunny. But he does like Cadbury eggs. No advice is given or implied unless it’s funny. All information herein is meant for entertainment and infotainment purposes only. Any material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send blue bunny Peeps. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if you’re a Republican or Democrat. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way by you or Donny Trump. Contents copyright 2012 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. It’s spring–lose that Winterbush already!