BEER ABBY #38: “AVENGERS box-office, Facebook IPO, Goober, Sendak and Onions ” May 17, 2012 – Posted in: Beer Abby, Blog, Featured Columns

©2012 All Ages Media

 

Welcome back, Kiddies and Kiddettes (not to be confused with cadets)! It’s yer pal Bru-Hed here to show you the way to prosperity, parity, and hilarity! You email me your questions on ANY topic, and I give you the truth with a squeeze of sarcasm. All for free! Am I generous to a San Andreas fault or what? Let’s go…

 

Beer Abby:
Facebook’s IPO (Initial Public Offering) is Friday! Did you get in? Will you be flipping the shares or hanging on for long-term growth?

Lloyd Blankmind
New York, NY

Dear Lloyd:
So THAT’s what “IPO” stands for! (See last week for the comedic confusion.) But what’s a “public offering”? Did you mean “pubic”? Because I’ve had lots of pubic offerings before (in public) and every single time I got kicked in them–or worse! And no one wants to hear about “long-term growth” in the same sentence with pubes, man. Get your head out of the gutter, okay?

 

Hey Bru-Hed,
The AVENGERS movie is breaking all kinds of box office record. It’s already made more than a billion dollars! They’re predicting it’ll make more than HUNGER GAMES, STAR WARS and GONE WITH THE WIND. It’ll make those films look like B movies!

T. Stark
Metropolis, NY

Hey T.,
Whoa there, tiger. Don’t be so friggin’ quick to swallow everything “they” in the media try to stuff down yer gullible gullet. “Box office” only refers to money made with inflated ticket sales, which are like ten bucks in a lot of places, not to mention 3D which adds another three or four bucks, plus IMAX which is easily another 50 to 60 percent more! Buying a ticket for STAR WARS cost 3 bucks or less back then, and GONE WITH THE WIND was *10 cents!* It’s all about NUMBER OF TICKETS sold, man. Just like with album sales, TV viewers, book sales, comic sales, magazines, concert tickets, sports tickets and so on. When have you *ever* heard anyone on TV or radio or the news judge any other event or pop culture item solely on dollar amount? This misinformation has to stop. SOMEone’s gotta have the stones to stand up to reason and say the truth!

That said, I never saw GONE WITH THE WIND–sounds too much like breaking wind. I bet one record that’s already broken–more teenage boys (and horny adult men) have rubbed one out for The Black Widow than Katniss Catnip or whatever her name is!

 

Beer Abby:
Every time I peel or slice onions my eyes burn and water. Sucks. How do I stop that from happening so I can still do it?

Rachel Raygun
Foodie, CA

Dear Rachel:
Believe it or not, I use safety goggles. Just make sure they’re tight. They let you chop them a lot longer with less discomfort–and help prevent accidents if you’re as careless with sharp objects as I am after a couple six-packs!

 

Yo, Bru–
I read that George Lindsey, the great character actor who played the great character Goober on THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW, just passed away. Did you ever watch the show?

Opie Howard
Mayberry, RFD

Yo, O.–
Yeah, that’s a shame. I watched the show a bunch of times as a kid. Goober and Barney (Don Knotts) were my favorite characters by far. Goober was related to Gomer (Pyle), who got his own hilarious show. (Sgt. Carter was my role model for yelling at idiots.) Plus, how many characters get chocolate-coverd peanuts named after them? I never saw any TV character named “Raisinettes” or “Sno-Caps”! Without Goober, they’d never have existed. R.I.P., funny man.

 

Beer Abby,
I read that Maurice Sendak, writer/illustrator of the famous children’s book, WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE, also passed away. That was my first book as a child. What was yours?

Spike J.
Famous, NY

Dear Spike,
Yeah, that sucked too. Bad week for childhood memories. (Thankfully Lynda Carter is still around for all those childhood memories of mammaries!) Loved that book. I know that Pascale guy that draws me was a big fan. Liked the recent movie too. As for me, my first book was probably a PLAYBOY or PENTHOUSE I found in the bushes. Or maybe it was Beer Is Best: A History of Beer by John Watney. Been so long (and so much in-between) I can’t recall!
Well, that’s it for now, my bitches and bastards. Go see AVENGERS again at a cheap matinee and tell them to keep track of ticket sales, not dollar amounts. And find me a laminated poster of Scarlett Johansen’s character, will ya?
Thanks,
Bru

 

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DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed media or history expert. No advice is given or implied unless it makes better beer. All information herein is meant for entertainment and spreading logic and reason only. Any material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send old Sendak books. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if you’re a Wall Street hedge fund manager. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way by you or Mark Zuckerburg. Contents copyright 2012 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. Isn’t ironic that a CG character steals scenes from real actors?

 

 

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