BEER ABBY 39: “Battleship Movie, Dark Shadows, Filipino artists, Kardashian baby” May 24, 2012 – Posted in: Beer Abby, Blog, Featured Columns

Hey, ho, let’s go, guys, gays, goils and goyim! It’s me, Bru-Hed, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” (TM), here to bring you wit with a side of wisdom. Memorial Day is this weekend in America, so make sure you lame slacker types wear your Red, White and Blue to honor our vets who fought and died just to keep your lazy ass free and full of beer! I’ll be wearing my Stars ‘n’ Strips boxers along with my Uncle Sam outfit, sucking on a Bomb Pop while lighting a sparkler and using it to set fire to photos of terrorists, commies, socialists and vegetarians. All while drinking Billy Beer!

 

Now let’s get to your lame-o letters…

 

Beer Abby:
Did you see the new BATTLESHIP movie yet? If not, are you? Trailer looks awesome.

Liam N.
Belfaster, Ireland

Dear Liam:
You mean, “TRANSFORMERS ON THE WATER”? I ain’t seeing that game-as-movie crap. Remember the movie CLUE? That sucked. (I hear they’re doing yet another version. Yeah, good idea.) Granted, the TWISTER movie was pretty good, but I swear they never played the game once in that flick! Too many tornadoes for some reason. Now if they made a STRATEGO war movie, that might be cool. But I sure as hell ain’t seeing CANDYLAND (unless it’s about strippers). And I sure don’t wanna see the YAHTZEE movie, or HUNGRY, HUNGRY HIPPOS, OPERATION, JINGA, PICTIONARY, OUTBURST, SCRABBLE, APPLES TO APPLES or pretty much any other dumbass board games.

When they make a PINOCHLE movie, I’ll stop going to the theater altogether!

 

Hey Bru:
What did you think of Tim Burton’s DARK SHADOWS? Wasn’t Johnny Depp just dreamy as Barnabas?

Angie Jolie
Collinspoot, ME

Hey, Angie:
I wouldn’t say Depp was “dreamy” (“nightmarey”, yes), but it was a pretty good flick. Some parts were hilarious (Depp feasting on the hippies), some were hilarious AND hot as hell (the love scene between Depp and ample alabaster-boobed Eva Green), and others were just plain cool (Alice Cooper!). So yeah, I’d see it.
Woulda been a lot better with nudity, tho.

 

Beer Abby–
Why did Tony DeZuniga and Ernie Chan pass away within a week of each other? They were both awesome Filipino artists and nice guys.

P. Noy
Manilla, Philippines

Dear P.–
Yeah, I heard about that from Pascale. That sucked. I know they both drew hot women! Mike bought me Ernie’s pinup book, WENCH #1, and I had it laminated. Great stuff. I admire anyone who can draw hot women and muscular hero-type guys like me. Shame. But hey, we’ll always have their artwork!

 

Dear Mr. Hed:
I got company coming over for Memorial Day weekend and need to really clean house. Any tips?

Brawny Guy
Pacific, GA

Dear Guy:
Sure. Here’s a few:
–Use silver polish to remove crayon marks from tile or linoleum floors.
–Nail polish remover can take off paint splatters on tiled floors if you rub it in.
–Gotta wipe down kitchen or bath walls in a hurry? Use a sponge mop with a little detergent.
–You can clean a clogges shower head with soapy warm water; if it’s removable, you can soak it in vinegar.
–Wanna avoid steaming up the bathroom when taking a bath? Fill the first two inches of the tub with cold water before the hot. Steamed up after a shower? Run cold water full blast to dissipate the steam.
–Stinky sinks? Pour hot salt water down drains in bath or kitchen several times a week to keep ’em fresh and not nasty.
–To keep cloth shower curtains from getting mildewy in the humid summer, soak ’em in a salt water solution before hanging them. Got small midew on ’em? Baking soda works. Got a lot? Wash in hot suds and then rub with a lemon. It woiks.
–Stubborn dark nasty toilet stains (like mine)? Lighter fluid gets ’em off. (Just don’t smoke while yer using it!) For water-rust stains on sinks and tubs, rub with Borax, sprinkled with lemon.

Yer welcome!

Well, vacation’s comin’ soon so here’s one more:

 

Beer Abby:
Did you see Kloe Kardashian’s beautiful baby boy Mason?

A. Yenta
Vicarious, VA

Dear A.:
Hell no! I can’t watch that show. I tried, even with the sound (and my pants) off, but I couldn’t last. I’ll look at Kim’s bod on the Net but that’s it. As for Mason, what decent parent names their kid after a stupid canning jar? Ugh.

Anyway, time to fire up the grill, throw on some dogs, burgers, steaks and bacon along with fries, tater-tots and chips! What’ll YOU have?
Support the troops,
Bru

 

Bru-Hed Closeup
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed lion tamer or baby namer. No advice is given or implied unless it saves you and makes you generous. All information herein is meant for entertainment pissing off Democrats only. Any material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send one of Kim’s bras or panties (used of course). We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if you’re not a fan of Filipino fantasy art. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way by you or Snooki. Contents copyright 2012 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. Seriously, thanks to all the veterans out there over the years. Your sacrifices are never forgotten!

 

 

 

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