BEER ABBY 40: “Kathy Lee Gifford Gaffe, Battleship Bust, Celebrity Apprentice and Cleaning Combs” May 31, 2012 – Posted in: Beer Abby, Blog, Featured Columns

Bru-Hed   ©2012 All Ages Media

Hello to all you fine men, very fine women and near mint in-betweeners!

You know, I always wondered why it was “HELL-o” instead of, say, “Heaveno”. Why the “Hell” part? I mean, “Hello” sounds like the Devil’s dessert, don’t it?

“Hey Satan! Want some cake, pie, cookies or something else for dessert?”
“Buzz off, I’m stuffed.”
“Oh come on, there’s always room for Hello!”
“Oooh, is it Strawberry Hello?”
“Yep.”
“Then gimme some, ya damn damned soul!”

Anyway, that’s the kind of thing I think about when I’m not solving all your petty problems and trying to find the world a piece. Just so you know my awesome brain never stops working. Now, speaking of working…

 

Beer Abby:
How much money do you think BATTLESHIP will make at the US box office?

John C.
Hollywood, CA

Dear John:
I don’t want to say it’ll be a flop, but I hear the crew received sympathy cards from the folks behind JOHN CARTER. (I also read that Joss Whedon and the cast of THE AVENGERS all received the same phone message from the CEO of Hasbro: “Awww, you sunk my BATTLESHIP!” Unlike Johnny, though, BS (pardon the pun) made over $200 mil overseas, so at least they’ll get most of their production dough back.

 

Hey Bru:
I saw that Kathy Lee Gifford asked Martin Short on THE TODAY SHOW how he keeps his marriage “fresh” after so many years, not realizing that Short’s wife passed away two years ago! What was she thinking?

Roseanne B.
Unfiltered, NY

Hey, Roseanne:
Knowing Kathy Lee, she was probably thinking, “I need another drink!”

 

Beer Abby–
I can’t believe Arsenio Hall won CELEBRITY APPRENTICE. I was rooting for Clay Aiken. Who were you rooting for?

Aubry O.
Obnoxious, CA

Dear Aubry–
Yeah, that was a surprise. I thought Clay would win because he raised so much dough and who doesn’t want to help kids? But Arsenio did the superior suck-up job during the final interview, and Trump the Chump is all about ego (the only thing that’s more of a monster than his hair!).

As for who I was rooting for, there were a lot better choices. Lisa Lampanelli was the funniest, Dee Snider rocked the hardest, and Tia Carrera had the best boobage. I’d have hired either of ’em. True, Aubry O’Day had a hot young bod and great hair, but that nails-on-chalkboard voice? The crazy eyes? The Godzilla ego that made Trump’s look like a squirrel? No way. Not apprentice material, but if you turned the sound off, she was okay for practicing carrot-pulling.

 

Dear Mr. Hed:
I heard in the news that the Corn Refiners Association repeatedly submitted applications to change the name of high fructose corn syrup to “corn sugar” but the FDA turned them down. What do you think?

Husky Maize
Somewhere in Nebraska

Dear Mr. Maize:
So let’s get this straight: given the bad rep of HFC (high fructose corn syrup) and the negative health affects and obesity epidemic, the Corn Processing Braintrust decided NOT to eliminate it, NOT to find a healthier, cost-effective alternative, and NOT to make it better or at least less bad for us. Instead they decided to just *change the name* and hope to fool stupid consumers it was something else?

And people thought the *government* was bad. The FDA has had its share of graft and screw-ups, but this time they look like friggin’ heroes.

 

Dear Bru–
My wife’s hairbrushes and my combs get kinda nasty after a while. What’s the best way to clean ’em and keep ’em clean?

Hair E. Potter
Coiffed, AL

Dear Hair:
A couple ways:
To remove hair on brushes/combs, you can try adhesive tape (press on, pull off), a notched end of a safety razor (minus blade, obviously), and then letting them soak in an equal water mixture of salt and flour. (Rub mixture into brush.) Then wash in a sinkful of warm water with a couple teaspoons of baking soda. Finally, dip them in an alcohol solution to kill any gross bacteria still hanging around.

And don’t let others use your combs! Of course, the easiest way is to just shave your heads, but they you gotta keep your dome lubed with lotion, and that gets weird.

One more:

 

Yo, Bru-man!
I got a great idea to get rich. You put an ad in the paper that says, “How To Get Rich By Mail: send $5.00 to this address.” Then after you get the money, you simply send the person a copy of your ad! Get it? Everybody does the same thing and gets rich, and the deficit goes away and no one needs to work no more.
How ’bout it?

C. Sheen
Crazytown, CA

Yo, Sheen-dude!
That’s great but I got one even better. Send me a million bucks and I tell you my secret. (And while you’re at it, put down the crack pipe.)

 

Yeesh. That’s it for the last week of May, my flowers of spring. See you next week in a new month! Summer’s almost here. So time to go commando!
Yer pal,
Bru

 

Bru-Hed Closeup
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed talk-show host but he’d be better than a drunk and dumb Kathy Lee. No advice is given or implied unless it gets girls. All information herein is meant for entertainment and making me smarter. Any material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send a link to celebrity sex tapes. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if you’re The Donald. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way by you or Snooki. Contents copyright 2012 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. Hey Corn Processors–Yer Fired!

« Snow White and The Huntsman vs. Mirror Mirror: Say What?
2012 Heroes Con Sketch Covers – the inks »