Great greetings and saliva-ations, friends, roamin’s and country-music men! It’s yer virtual pal Bru here to make your life better or at least, less worthless. I hope you’re having a good week (but not a great one, or else you wouldn’t need ME. And it’s all about ME). Shortened version this week due to basketball and other games more important. What’s on your little minds today? Let’s find out via your emails…
I’m in a quandary. I love 80s hard rock! But like you, I’m a straight, white guy so I hate musicals. My wife wants to see the movie musical ROCK OF AGES. I want to dig the music but don’t want to be seen watching a musical. What do I do?
Assless Chaps, ND
First, you should get out of that quandary, in case you get hit by falling rocks! What the hell are you doing in there anyway? [EDITOR: Um, Bru, he wrote "quandary"--that's a dilemma. You're thinking "quarry", where they mine for stuff.] Oh yeah, that’s right. Thanks.
Anyway, I’m witchoo. I loves me some good rock ‘n’ roll too, but musicals are for Nancy-boys. Tell your goil you’ll see the flick with her if she bobs on your clown. Otherwise, just wait for the DVD or OnDemand so you can check it out alone at home (and fast forward past the friffy parts).
I always forget how much to tip people at restaurants, hotels and such. What’s the rule?
From what I hear, it’s pretty much 15 percent average everywhere these days, a little higher for better service and lower for less. I’m told that maids get a buck or two per day of your stay (depending on the type of place and how much of a pig you are in the room), and bellhops/skycaps get a buck a bag. (But if you want priority service, give the skycap a cool fiver or two bucks a bag and you should get better service.) For bad service at restaurants, don’t leave five or ten percent because you’ll just come off cheap (like me). To drive the point home, leave a dime or a nickel, or better yet, write on your receipt that they would have received a much better tip if the service were better. As for fast food places, I say screw ‘em! Those punks get paid hourly, and nobody tipped them even just ten years ago, so why start now?
Unless you’re like me, of course…In every situation, I just leave the names of the best teams or horses to bet on. Couldn’t ask for a better tip than that!
Some guy with a thick foreign accent called my elderly aunt just a week after my uncle died, claiming he won some kind of state lottery. She kept asking who he was with or to speak to his supervisor but he just kept rambling on. He verified her address and said UPS could deliver the check in a half hour if that was okay. When she finally said “okay”, he then said something about having to pay taxes on it and asking for account information!! WTF? I told her it was a scam but she said nobody could stoop that low. What do you think?
YES it was a scam, and YES there are scumbags that would stoop that low. They have a database that scans recently filed death certificates and uses the info to contact survivors to scam them out of their savings. Nice racket, eh? That is why I not only have Caller I.D., it’s why I pretty much never answer the phone anyway!! (Other than the pizza place calling about delivery, of course.) Tell your aunt not to answer the phone unless it’s someone she knows, or tell them to call you. Or forward the call to me and I’ll straighten the jerks out with my air-horn!
I just read that painter Leroy Neiman passed away at age 91. As an avid “reader” of PLAYBOY, what did you think of his work?
To be honest, I barely ever read PLAYBOY; I was too busy lookin’ at the picthers. But I remember Neiman’s cute little black-and-white babes on the “Playboy Advisor” page. I would have bedded one of those little hotties! As for the paintings, I couldn’t really figure them out. If it wasn’t a naked chick, I didn’t notice. But I did notice that Neiman was the same age as Ray Bradbury! I’m glad he never painted him nude. But it would have been cool to have Neiman illustrate one of Bradbury’s stories!
Are you going to see ABRAHAM LINCOLN, VAMPIRE HUNTER? It looks awesome but I don’t recall reading about vampires in my Civil War class.
Yeah, I’ll probably see it if I get a free ticket. (I get all kinds of swag from the movie studios to promote their dumb flicks in my blog–with all the readers I have, they know the power I have to sway the box office returns! I’m always up for a good undead ass-kickin’. As to your Civil War class, of course Lincoln had to deal with vampires–back then they were called “slave-owners”! Instead of feasting on blood, they just sucked the freedom out of the country. But that ain’t PC. Slavery didn’t exist back then according to most textbooks. The war was about “states’ rights”–the right to have SLAVES, that is! But that’s why I’m here to set history straight.
By the way, did you know Ulysses S. Grant was a werewolf? That’s really why he became a boozer. More on that another time.
Well, we’re outta room for now but tune in next week for more unbeatable advice, history lessons, movie industry insights, recommendations and whatever else you need! Send me an email today–click on “Contact” above and ask me ANYTHING. (Except what the best musical is…I haven’t seen too many.)
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed maroon, but he does quite well without a license. No advice is given or implied unless it makes people read or write. All information herein is meant for entertainment and ignorance purposes only. Any material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send autographed Leroy Neiman prints. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if you’re a Klansman or “Confederacy supporter”. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way by you or Hefner’s girlfriends. Contents copyright 2012 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. When do we get to see, “Richard Nixon: Zombie Hunter”?