BEER ABBY #44: “ Rodney King, L.A. Kings, Charlie Sheen and Before Watchmen” June 28, 2012 – Posted in: Beer Abby, Blog, Featured Columns
by Bru-Hed ©2012 All Ages Media
Hey there, fanboys and fangirls! It’s me, the one who fans your flames of fun and fact-finding with fine, five-finger precision. (Wow, a sentence by me with eight “F” words, and not one was THE “F” word! I think I broke a personal record. And it wasn’t even an old vinyl one!) Now let’s get to your queer queries:
Did you hear that Rodney King died mysteriously? Any ideas how?
Los Angeles, CA
Yes, it was quite suspicious how he could drown in his own pool. Personally, I think it had something to do with RACISM. Because according to the media, anything about him had to do with racism. And considering how the city went berserk after his trial, I wouldn’t put it past some angry white bigot hockey fan who resented the fact that the city’s hockey team, who finally won the Stanley Cup, was named after Rodney! Jealousy can be really ugly.
But even if you are a racist who hated King, you gotta admit, “The L.A. Kings” sounds way better than “The L.A. Furmans” or something. (And truthfully, the team could have been named after Martin Luther King, Jr., or Don King. Or Burger King. So ya never know.)
Did you hear Charlie Sheen is going to do a new series called ANGER MANAGEMENT on the F/X channel?
Yes, I did. Great title, eh? He’s gotta be better at it than Adam Sandler–Adam never ranted against Jews or drank tiger blood! But I hear Charlie sobered up and acted like a true professional during filming. Which means the show probably sucks. Hopefully he’ll get coked up again by the second season if it lasts.
I need to lose 30 pounds but don’t have a lot of time to do a full workout. What is the ONE exercise that can help me lose the most weight?
There are literally thousands of different exercises that help trim fat. But the single activity that helps the most people lose the most weight is one you can do before every meal: push the damn plate away from your fat face!
(How do you think I got MY awesome beer bod? That and 40-ounce curls, of course!)
I hear DC went ahead and published the new series BEFORE WATCHMEN, without Alan Moore’s permission. What did you think of the move, and the comic book itself?
First, I don’t read new comics. I don’t understand ‘em and they’re too depressing. I like fun stuff like when I was a kid, like Red Sonja in a metal bikini. And I didn’t read the original WATCHMEN either. But as for DC’s move, what do you expect? They got a hot property and want to exploit it for all the dough they can. It’s called capitalism, and it’s what enabled hypocrites like Moore to make a damn good living. So he can bite my beer belly, stop his pussy-ass whining, and get with the program like his smart partner, Dave Gibbons, and use the property to make some money–if not for himself and his family, then for whatever worthy causes he believes in (if there are any *other* than himself he does believe in, of course)!
I have only one question, though. Who the hell is Alan Moore? I don’t recall seeing his name on ESPN.
Oh dang it! That Craig guy is giving me the hook already. I told you jealousy is ugly! You’d think he’d appreciate having a genius like me on staff. Maybe next week I’ll buy him a copy of BRU-HED’S GUIDE TO GETTIN’ GIRLS NOW! to help his love life. [Helping me with the girls ain’t no help! -Craig]
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed comic character. No advice is given or implied unless it helps fill his fridge. All information herein is meant for entertainment and testing the audience only. Any material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send original Gibbons art (the illustrator or the ape). We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if your initials are A.M. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way by you or DC’s evil empire. Contents copyright 2012 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. How many people in L.A. think the Stanley Cup is something you use for a mocha latte?