BEER ABBY 45: “Spider-Man Movie, Hockey, Basketball, Comic-Con and Cross-Country With Kids”
A big honking hello to all you honking honkers, horn dogs and horny toads! I’m here again to make things easier in your love, work and/or home life–whichever one you have (or hope to have when you move out of your parents’ attic)!
Now let’s get to some emails:
So what do you think of the new Spider-Man film?
I think they butchered the costume for no good reason other than to be “different”. Didn’t anyone learn from the “new Superman”, Diet Coke or the ’74 Mustang? I don’t know nothin’ ’bout comics but even I know when something sticks around for 50 years there’s a reason for it.
As for the movie itself, I haven’t seen it yet. You think I’m gonna spend my 4th of July sitting in a theater in a soft comfy chair in air-conditioned comfort watching a movie on a big screen when I could be sitting at home in a soft comby chair in air-conditioned comfort watching a movie on a big-screen TV? Gimme a break.
Why do the two sports that are traditionally wintertime activities (hockey
and basketball) have their playoffs and finals run into May and June? Unless
you live in the Arctic Circle, winter is long done by then. Seems like those
playoffs are done and then the season starts right up again like a month later.
What’s the point?
Excellent question. After doing some digging and diving (and asking and annoying) I came to these conclusions:
1. Though pro basketball is played indoors, a lot of people still play it outside at parks and neighborhoods during spring and summer so the NBA has a better chance of getting them excited about the playoffs when they’re actually playing.
2. Street hockey is usually played outdoors when it’s warm, so same goes for the NHL.
3. If those leagues didn’t have their playoffs then, we fans would be starved for playoffs from the major sports from February’s Super Bowl(R) to October’s World Series. The only other big team sport with playoffs then is soccer, which no REAL American cares about or watches. Otherwise you only have car racing, which is a skill and not a sport, and golf, which is a lame, wimpy and boring activity created to keep low income families off the nice grass.
4. Most importantly, the NFL doesn’t want anything competing with their big games and playoffs of the winter. Since they’re the Mafia of sports, nobody f**** with them. (And the networks better not f*** with ME when it comes to my games! I don’t care if the local team didn’t sell out, it’s MY GOD-GIVEN RIGHT to watch my team on TV every week! YOU HEAR ME??!)
Ahem. Movin’ on…
Will I see you at Comic-Con in San Diego next week?
Nope, can’t do it this year, pal. Ain’t been there in over a decade! Back then the booths were “only” $1,200 and even that was a lot of two dollar comics to sell! These days it’s like ten grand or something for a decent booth and I got better things to spend my dough on (like beer) and that Pascale is way too much of a cheapass to pay my way. But I’ll try to answer ANY con-related questions you have next week, okay? Hit me up, home fans!
Okay, last one:
I have to drive cross country with my wife and our three teenage kids. Any advice?
Fam Lee Goy
Glad you asked. Here are the most important tips to follow:
1. Leave all weapons at home. (Less temptation to use them.)
2. Wear noise-cancelling ear phones: the kind airlane mechanics wear. (Only ones that are whine-proof.)
3. Bring several rolls of duct tape. (One for any needed repairs, the rest for the kids’ mouths and hands.)
4. Make sure you have a GPS with up-to-date maps and information. (So you can find the nearest pharmacy to buy meds needed to either keep the teens quiet OR keep your sanity.)
5. Take along a toupee. (You’ll need it to replace all the hair you’ll have pulled out by the end of the journey.)
6. Best tip yet: Bring two cars! One for you and one for everyone else. Just like when you’re out drinking, your family will need a designated driver who’s not rendered incapable of driving due to an overabundance of teen exposure.
Good luck, pal! We’ll look for you on the national news when you snap.
And speaking of snapping, I’m afraid my Sinatra stopwatch is snapping its fingers to let me know we’re done for now. But make sure you send some good emails for next time–these things don’t write themselves, y’know.
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed pants presser and knows nothing about new or old pants. No advice is given or implied unless it cleans your pants. All information herein is meant for entertainment and pants-purchasing purposes only. Any material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send nice pants. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if you don’t like pants jokes. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way by you or the milk-drinking wearer of new pants. Contents copyright 2012ll Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. Sometimes you just gotta give in and say, “Nice pants!” Thanks again.