Welcome back, deer readers! And those who read blogs instead of deers. I hope the geeks among you had a great time in San Diego and are ready to get back to your non-life in your parents’ attic (for those who don’t have basements). I’m back to help you navigate the turbulent waters of existence…and tell you when it’s time to get out of the tub. Let’s get to your emails:
Beer Abby: I’ve been reading all about the horrible tragedy at the Batman movie in Colorado. Just terrible and horrible. Don’t you think so? It’s all over the news and Internet. There are so many sites and stations reporting on it constantly I don’t know which ones to focus on. What do you recommend?
John Doe Sheep Mindless, OH
First, I thought you were talking about the Rockies’ season; then I turned away from ESPN to CNN and figured out what you meant. My God! I had no idea. Words can’t describe how bad I feel for those involved. No idea how such a thing could happen. If only the shooter had gone into see the Oliver Stone film, SAVAGES–then the theater would’ve been empty. Or better yet, THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN–then he would have shot himself just to escape the boredom of the first half! At least I hope the perp repents and becomes an organ donor to help people–preferably while he’s still alive.
Regarding news coverage: I just hope the media doesn’t glom onto the comic-book connection by calling it “The Dark Knight Murders” or something as stupid. Of course, they’re all professionals and would never stoop to yellow journalism to capture readers or clicks.
To answer your question, you’re better off watching a sports channel like I do. It’s a lot less depressing.
Dear Bru-Hed– The shootings in Colorado really show how we need to address the too-permissive gun laws in this country. England never has these types of crimes because they were smart and outlawed guns ages ago. Don’t you think we should limit guns to the army and that’s it?
B. Liberal Reactionary, OR
Not so fast, my commie friend! We got the Second Amendment to make sure that never happens. As for England, that was a long time ago. Too late to do that here. And who wants to be like them anyway? They can’t fight wars without our help and their economy is tanking like the rest of the morons in Europe–without our help. If they had guns they could shoot their way out of the fiscal hole. And how do you outlaw guns like the ones I got above my elbows? My biceps are lethal, dude.
Dear Mr. Hed: So what did you think of THE DARK KNIGHT RISES movie? Do you believe this is the last of the trilogy or will they come out with a fourth one later?
C. Nolan Gotham, NY
Dear Mr. N:
Wasn’t my favorite of the three flicks, other than having Catwoman’s butt in several shots. Anne Hathaway is too skin-and-bones for this beer-blogger’s taste (remember kids: meat is for men, bones are for dogs), but her hiney did look doable in black leather bent over a Bat-bike! And the rich broad character, Miranda Tit–I mean Tate–that hooks up with Bruce for a one-nighter has some nice milk pillows although we barely see a hint of ’em. But overall, I missed the craziness of the Joker or the cool car chases with a real Batmobile.
As for a fourth film, that will be a reboot (reBatboot?) in three to five years, like they did with Superman. Only interesting and successful, like the last three Batflicks.
Hey, Bru– What’s the difference between diverticulosis and diverticulitis? I can’t eat nuts or seeds because of one of them.
Seedless in Seattle
Some quick medical ed here. Diverticulosis is the (permanent) condition of having small bulging pouches (called, ironically enough, diverticula) on the wall of the colon. When they become infected and irritated, that (temporary) condition is called diverticulitis–which causes cramps, bloating and other discomforts.
However, the conventional wisdom that eating nuts, seeds and popcorn is responsible for the bad stuff is false! According to Johns Hopkins, one of the most trusted, respected and highest-ranking hospitals in the USA, there is no scientific evidence to support that theory. The best way to treat Diverticulosis–and prevent diverticulitis–is with a (groan) high-fiber diet, rich with (ugh) veggies, fruits, whole grains and that sort of crap. Or you can take psyllium fiber like Metamucil. (I thought that was only for old folks, but if I had that issue and this would let me eat the kind of nutty stuff I like without having to eat all that goody two-shoes crap, I’d do it.)
And if you’re wondering why a regular-guy like me knows so much about this kind of thing, I got two words for you: BEER NUTS! I can’t watch a Super Bowl, World Series or NBA Championship without a bowl of nuts (not to mention candy bars of nutty goodness)! So there.
Dear Bru– What did you think of the Chick-Fil-A president saying that he was for the “biblical definition of marriage” and that this generation is “arrogant” for telling God what marriage should be?
T. Cruise Closet, CA
I think everyone, including someone that runs a private company, has the right to state their beliefs–even when he’s whacky. And I have the right to buy my chicken at KFC.
Beer Abby: What’s your favorite exercise? I’m starting out on a regimen and am looking for good ideas.
J. LaLane Calisthenics, CA
Well, there are a few I like to do. Twelve-ounce curls are a must; there’s also six-pack sit-ups (that’s sitting up on the couch to reach the six-pack of beer on the coffee table); pull-ups (pulling up my shorts after taking a dump every morning) and push-ups (pushing the bag of chips up on the shelf after I’m done with it); and my favorite, third leg-lifts (which I can’t describe in a PG-rated column…but send me an email saying you’re over 18 and I’ll explain).
Whatever you choose to do, remember, moderation is for wimps. Push yourself before someone pushes you out. I wanna see beer, crumbs and artificial color on those hands and clothes when you’re done. No stains, no gains! Then take a bath so I don’t have to smell you all the way out here.
Well, that’s all for now, kids, cads, kidettes and cadettes! Keep the faith, fly the flag. And remember, guns don’t kill people, governments do!
All the beast,
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed dietician, doctor or theologian, but he can be a chicken. No advice is given or implied unless it makes for good publicity. All information herein is meant for entertainment and anti-bigot purposes only. Any material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send a Neal Adams Batman sketch. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if you’re an executive of Chick-Fil-A. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way by you or a religious fanatic or extremist activist. Contents copyright 2012 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. If you’re truly tolerant, don’t you have to tolerate the intolerant? And if you worship Jesus, don’t you have to accept people like He did? Or maybe just eat at In And Out Burger.