Hello to you, all my hellacious heathens, heretics, heteros, homos and hermaphrodites! It’s your pal Bru here to help you get through another week and weekend without weakening (wanking is okay). Hard to believe this week is almost 50! But doody and duty call. So let’s get to your questions, shall me?
Have you been watching the London Olympics? What are your favorite sports? What do you think Team USA’s chances are for the most gold?
B. Boitano South Park, CO
I watch only the Olympic events I can bet on. And those with the chicks with the tightest buns in the tightest outfits (except for gymnastics–I may be a lot of things, but a kiddie lover I ain’t!)–which are also my favorite sports. As long as they’re not judged. Any maroon with an IQ of 50 knows sports aren’t “judged”. You don’t need judges to win a football, baseball, basketball or hockey game, do you? Or a NASCAR race. Or even a stupid golf game, and that’s not even a sport! And did the ancient Greeks judge the winners on their wieners or the shape of their discuses? NO. So you should only watch those that are quantified like real sports.
As for the medal count, I see China has the most, but the US is close behind–only one behind in total medals. Japan is second, then France and Germany tied for third. Think about that–China has over a billion friggin’ Chinese. We have less than one third Americans! So those commie bastids should have three times as many medals and they don’t. The moral? Communism sucks, kids. Capitalism always wins–bet on it! (I am.)
Bru’s favorite sport is volleyball. Any idea why?
Bru on Equestrian events: “I wish I was that saddle.”
Hey Bru-Hed, I see Doctor Who is finally catching on in the USA. Who’s your favorite Doctor and companion?
M. Smith London, England
I don’t know the answer to your question of who the Doctor is, but my favorite is the one who says it’s okay to eat red meat and that beer is good for you! (I hear he can practice medicine again in five to ten years.) As for his “companion”, I say don’t ask, don’t tell.
Beer Abby: Going to a lot of carnivals this summer. What’s a good way to win at those horrible games? My kid needs a new stuffed animal and I don’t want to pay those high prices at Toys R Us for Chinese crap.
A. Mann Manly, KY
I don’t blame you. But is it better to spend ten bucks trying to win Chinese crap at a carnival? Well, with these tips, hopefully you don’t spend more than five.
Milk Bottles: Gotta knock all three down and their usually filled or made with lead! So aim for the center of the BOTTOM ones. Most people aim for all three which makes no sense. Knock out the bottom and the top goes with it.
Bru says aim for the middle of the bottom two jugs…of milk that is.
Shooting the Star: Real tough because the a-hole running the game usually takes out a microscope to find a molecule of red star left. Plus the end of the rifle is usually BENT so the aim is way off! So first figure out how to aim it right, then just shoot AROUND the star (white area). If you shoot the complete circle, it will fall out and take the star with it.
Ring Toss: Can be tough but try to snap your wrist so the ring spins the most. Aim for the middle areas so it can bounce and hopefully land right.
Basketball: This one’s ridiculous. The ball is way overfilled and the backboard is plywood so it’s extra bouncy. Hit the backboard and the ball flies off. The hoop is not only smaller than regulation, but usually OVAL shaped! Better off going for a high arc and try to get nothin’ but net.
Strength Test: Believe it or not, swinging that hammer like a retarded caveman is not the best way to win. It’s all about accuracy! Take some slo-mo swings standing straight up with your back arched, arms high over your head and your hands as close to the bottom of the mallet as possible to maintain a solid grip. Bring it down so it hits the exact center of the base. Once you have it figured out where to stand, do it in one smooth motion and hitting the true center should be enough to win!
Just make sure if you win a stuffed beer can to send one to me for helping you, ya cheapskate!
Mr. Hed, Have you been watching Charlie Sheen’s new show ANGER MANAGEMENT? What do you think?
Tiger Warlock Winning, WI
I tried watching a couple episodes but *I* needed anger management to avoid kicking in the TV for wasting my time! Mediocre writing doesn’t make me laugh, especially not compared to the edgy stuff on the old show. I’m sure the show will be picked up for three seasons or whatever because hey, it’s FX and if they get more than 100 viewers, it’s better than their other shows probably do!
Charlie looks like he could use some tiger blood.
Crap, I’m outta room already. Or am I out of touch? I’ll have to call an escort service and fix that. Now go home and play, kiddies! Nothing more to see here. Until next week! See ya back then for a Golden celebration–not for Olympics but my 50th column!
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed executive producer. No advice is given or implied unless it helps Team USA kick China’s butt. All information herein is meant for entertainment and winning stuffed animals only. Any material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send one of those four-foot tall Spongebobs. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if you’re not Chuck Lorre, who’s way funnier than Sheen will ever be. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way by you or Jon Cryer. Contents copyright 2012 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. Emilio Estevez is just as talented and isn’t a drug-addled jerk. So why isn’t he making zillions like his druggie bro?