Beer Abby #5 September 29, 2011 – Posted in: Beer Abby, Blog, Featured Columns – Tags: ,

Hey hey, my Bru-thers and Bru-sters!

How’s your Thursday going so far? (Like I care.) Main thing is, I’m here to bring you advice for life that you can’t and won’t get anywhere else. Mariano Rivera may have broken the record for saves in baseball, but I aim to be the Mariano Rivera of comics and perform more saves of lousy lives than Billy Graham the Cracker or any other preacher!

Now let’s get to the goodies:

 

Beer Abby: 

I picked up a copy of DC’S new CATWOMAN #1 and was deeply disturbed by what I read:

[SPOILER ALERT!]

At the end of the book, Catwoman forces herself on Batman and makes him have sex with her.  Is this the kind of image we want to portray of women to our kids?

Concerned Matron

Uptight, NY

 

Yo, Ma’am–

First, nobody forces Batman to do anything against his will. I’m sure Ms. Pussycat got his “little bat’s” radar going and he decided to use those Trojans in his utility belt before they expired.

Second, kids and women got nothing to do with it. Everyone knows most comics readers are male! On the cover of my copy, it says it’s rated “T” for teen – as in 16 and up. At that age, a kid needs a way to exercise his puberty on a regular basis. That’s what this comic is for. Pretty much always has been that way–if you’re old enough to remember the Jim Balent tempate-boobed CW back in the ’90s, you’d know what I’m talkin’ about.

Let’s be honest: It’s CATWOMAN, not FELINE FEMINIST. Why would you be reading that comic anyway?  You’re better off buying EQUAL OPPORTUNITY AVENGER or GLASS CEILING BUSTER. As for your kid, DC makes a bunch of Cartoon Network and WB toon comics for such innocent and fragile minds.  (Note to DC: if you wanna make a boatload in cross-promotions, team up with Jergens and offer a special edition packaged with a bottle of hand lotion. You’ll clean up more than one of your readers does after reading a copy!)

 

 

Hey Bru-Hed–

What’s your opinion about the debt crisis in Greece?

Jean-Claude Touche

Paris,France

 

Hey there, Tushie–

Debt crisis? I never saw Grease but I’m pretty sure it’s about singing and dancing. The only crisis is that Travolta was in it and got to kiss Olivia Fig Newton and I didn’t!

 

 

Dear Beer Abby,

Who do you like in the baseball playoffs this year?

B. Selig

Cooperstown,NY

 

Dear buddy–

I like the winners. Who doesn’t?

 

 

Hey, Bru,

This guy I know is thinking of selling a piece of art I really want. I like it a lot more than several pieces in my own collection that are worth almost as much. Problem is I don’t have the cash to buy it. What do you recommend?

Cash-strapped inKansas

 

Hey, C-strapped–

Pretty easy solution, actually. You can either try selling one or both of your pieces (on sites like dragonberry.com, comicartfans.com, comiclink.com, or of course, feeBay) and raising the cash; or see if the guy is a fan of anything you have that you could trade for the piece! When it comes to art, one man’s “no way” is another man’s “Hell yeah”. If neither of those ideas work, you can also try finding out what the guy really wants in exchange, and then find someone who has it and trade for theirs, then trade for the one you want! Call it creative common sense.

 

 

Hello, Bru-meister:

I’m losing my butt in the stock market. How can I get it back?

Buttless in Butte, MT

 

Hello, Glute-free guy–

First, buy some assless chaps–‘cause you ain’t gettin’ anything back in this market for a long time, pal. Better off just puttin’ your dough in gold, silver, and beer. Especially the last one. Why? Because when beer goes down, it tastes GREAT! (When it goes up, you’ve had enough.) What could be better?

 

 

Mr. Bru-Hed:

What sound did Apollo 18 make when it landed on the moon?

Astro Nut

Houston,TX

 

Nut job:

I dunno, but when it landed at the box office, it went “Flop, flop, flop!”

 

Okay, last quickie of the week:

 

 

Beer Abby:

What did the bartender say when Sarah Jessica Parker walked into a bar?

M. Broderick

Hollywood,CA

 

 

Mr. B–

Are you setting me up? This is too easy. He said, “Your movies seem to suck at the box office. Is that the reason for the long face?”

(Where’s a drumer with a rimshot when you need one?)

 

Anyway, that’s it for now, pals-o’-mine. I’m gonna grab one of those Catwoman comics and see what all the hoopla is about. I think I may have to wear a red hood (to cover my red wood).

 

Now…seriously, see that “contact” link at the top of this page?  Click it and send me an email.  Ask me ANYTHING you want.  No topic is off limits.  (If you’ve been reading this column, you should know that by now!)

 

 

Ta-ta!

 

 

 

 

 

Love,

Bru

 

DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed therapist, psychologist or pro gambler. Fact is, he ain’t real (just don’t tell him). All information herein is meant for entertainment and abusive purposes only. If you bet on his picks you’ll probably lose your ass. All material sent to the address above becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send free stuff. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and comedy. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any unless you give us massive credit and link back here. This is hard woik! Contents copyright 2011 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media.

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