by Bru-Hed ©2012 All Ages Media
Holy monkey crap! It’s a golden anniversary here at Bru central. That’s right, this is my 50th installment of “Beer Abby”! That’s 50 weeks of amazing advice, wonderful wisdom and terrific tips to make your loser lives less lousy and more marvelous! Congrats to me. And you, for reading me! How should we celebrate? I’d buy you all a beer, but I have no way of knowing how many of you are minors and I don’t want to get pinched contributing to your delinquency (especially when you do just fine being delinquent on your own). And frankly, considering all the people who read this bountiful blog, I’d go broke buying free beer. Much better if all of YOU buy one for ME. Deal? Just click the “contact” link above and ask where to send it.
And while we’re at it, I want to give you rappin’ readers something in return for your lazy loyalty. Send me a question using the link above, and the best one gets a FREE drawing of ME by the Pascale artist guy who draws my comic! Runner up will get a free copy of my awesome trade paperback collection, THE COLLECTED BRU-HED.
Winning for your whining–what could be better?
Now let’s get to the latest crap–err, I mean crop–of queries:
I know you’re a fan of Arnold Schwarzenegger action flicks. What did you think of the Collin Farrell remake of TOTAL RECALL?
It’s a pretty good flick. The city scenes and car chases are awesome. Best part is (obviously) Kate Beckensale’s butt, which looks as good in white panties as it does in black leather (see UNDERWORLD, not to be confused with the script I’m trying to sell to her agent, UNDERWEARWORLD). But while Collin Farrell is intense and a good actor, HE AIN’T ARNOLD. No one is! So while I’ve seen the original four times and will gladly see it again, the only time I’ll see this remake again is with my fast forward and pause button to–well, pause on the butt shots.
Have you been watching the Olympics? The USA is in a close race with China for most gold medals and leads with most total medals. Who do you think will win?
I know the count is close, but hey, China has more than three times as many people! And we haven’t had to sacrifice any teams for our gold medals. So I think no matter who ends up with the most medals, gold or otherwise, we’ve done damn good. Plus, we make way better beer, and our female athletes have bigger boobs, so that alone makes us winners!
Congrats and Happy Anniversary on your 50th blog. Speaking of golden anniversaries, what’s your favorite Golden Age character?
Thanks for noticing, man. I’m not much of a comic-book guy like that Pascale is, but there are a few characters from way back that I like. One was Wonder Woman, because she wore a skirt that offered all kinds of sexy mishaps, she had a good amount of bondage covers, and her stories were drawn by a guy named–snicker–Harry Peter!! (Bwa-HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *Ahem.* Sorry about that–can’t help it.) I swear, kids, ya can’t make that kind of stuff up.
I also dug Flash Gordon because he got to fly around in a spaceship with Dale Arden while also having that hot Mongo princess Aurora after him, which would tick off her Dad, Ming the Merciless. Plus, he could have sex with alien chicks like Captain Kirk. That’s cool.
But my favorite would prob’ly be Captain America. Of course! He’s a patriotic American like me, wears the BEST colors ever, has a cool shield, and he got to beat the crap outta Nazis! Plus the occasional fanged Tojo type [editor's note: definitely un-PC]. Who wouldn’t wanna kill Nazis?
I’m celebrating an anniversary and baking a cake for my hubby. Any tips?
Cake! I love cake. Cakes and anniversaries go together like beer and pizza. Or T and A. You didn’t say what kind of cake yer bakin’ so here are some general tips:
–Using new tins? Butter them first and stick in oven over moderate heat for 15 minutes first, to avoid burning your cake later.
–Put waxed paper over the dough before rolling to prevent it from sticking
–Wanna keep your cake from sticking to the pan when it’s done? Wrap a towel dipped in hot water around it when you take it outta the oven.
–Try using orange juice instead of water when making sponge cake, and pineapple juice for any liquids required for making pound cake mix.
–Always stagger cake pans on different oven shelves, never directly over each other.
–Good way to tell if cake is done baking? Slowly stick a wooden toothpick in and then out of the center. If cake is done, the toothpick will be clean.
–Add a teaspoonful of vinegar to the baking soda when baking a chocolate cake; it will turn out moist and fluffy.
–Wanna prevent cake from sticking to the plate or the frosting to waxed paper? Sprinkle a little powdered sugar on either first. Also use on top of each layer before adding frosting or filling–this will keep either from soaking into the cake.
–Cutting cake with frosting? Rinse the knife in hot water first.
–Cut the cake in half and take first slices from the *center* rather than the edges. Then push the two halves together, and the cake will stay fresher longer!
And while you’re at it, save a slice or three for me! (Just don’t mail it.)
That’s it for now, friends and frenemies! Enjoy yer weekend with some shakin’ and bakin’ lovemakin’ (until you’re achin’)–but no fakin’, ladies! And send me some photos.
All the breast to you,
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed chef but he cooks with a lot of gas. No advice is given or implied unless it makes for good cake. All information herein is meant for edutainment purposes only. Any material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send Golden Age comics (or hot photos of Kate Beckinsale). We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if you’re a cake-hater. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way by you or a religious fanatic or extremist activist. Contents copyright 2012 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. Fruit cake and carrot cake suck. Chocolate and vanilla rock!