Beer Abby
by Bru-Hed ©2012 All Ages Media
Welcome back, dirtbags and dirtbaggettes! Glad to see you survived last week’s Golden Anniversary party. (See last week’s column here.) I know I had a great time. Of course, I had to drink 50 beers to properly commemorate the occasion; it wasn’t easy but I’m a tough guy as you know. While I tried to eat 50 bags of chips and 50 slices of pizza along with it, I had to settle for 50 individual chips and a 50-inch ‘za instead. Hey, I’m only human.
Speaking of humans, let’s see what you homo sapiens have to say:
The Olympics are over; I’m bummed! What do I do now?
M. Phelps
Pothead, MD
Dear M.:
First of all, as I told B. Jenner last week, the USA would do well on the medal count–sure enough, we not only came away with the most medals overall, but the most gold as well! (And at $1,600 an ounce, hopefully we can sell ‘em and help pay for all the debt the government has racked up.)
As to what to watch after the Olympics: Are you kidding me? Not only is baseball season finally getting interesting, it’s now preseason for the greatest sport on the planet–FOOTBAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL!! And I mean REAL football, not that soccer-pansy crap they play in ol’ London. They think they’re tough because they dont wear pads or helmets? HA! The hardest thing hitting their empty heads is a rubber ball, and since not one soccer player is over 200 pounds, they certainly don’t need pads for contact anyway, other than for their skinny shins. As soon as one of those fake “footballers” can get past the offensive line of the New York Giants, or run a 40 as fast as DeSean Jackson, I’ll put ‘em on the same level as our guys. Till then, they can be the Cowboys’ waterboys. Till then, enjoy your Manchester United stock!
Fake football vs. real football: Think the guys on the top can get thru the guys on the bottom? Not a chance, baby!
Dear Bru-Hed–
The great Joe Kubert passed away this week. What was your favorite Kubert comic?
JKS
Dover, NJ
Dear JKS–
As my fans know, I generally don’t read comic books–I star in them! But even I know who Joe Kubert was. That Pascale jerk that scribbles my adventures went to his school and told me about him and showed me a bunch of his stuff. It’s all pretty awesome. And manly! There’s Tarzan, who kills lions and fights gorillas with nothin’ but a knife and a loincloth covering his coconuts; Sgt. Rock, a patriotic American soldier killin’ Nazis for his country; Unknown Soldier, another patriot beating our nation’s baddies; and even Enemy Ace–a WW I Kraut enemy pilot that’s a killing machine with a wooden plane. That’s more testosterone in those three than innearly all DC superheroes! Bummed to lose such a talented and well-loved guy. But from what I read, he had a great life and career, and that’s pretty awesome in my book. I raise my beer to him!
Joe Kubert: a man’s artist on manly stuff!
Hey, Bru:
I need to buy some new shoes. Got any advice?
Emelda M.
Footwear, FL
Hey, Emelda:
You came to the right place! I got as many tips as I got toes on my right foot. Here ya go:
1. Never buy shoes in the morning; that’s when your feet are their smallest. Same goes for sitting down when measuring. Always measure shoe size when standing so your feet are at their largest. Don’t go by previous sizes only. Measure yer dogs each time you buy. There are many differences between brands.
2. To get mud off of leather shoes, let ‘em dry then rub hard with a dry cloth. (If there’s caked mud between the soles and uppers, use an old toothbrush or wire brush to clean it off.)
3. Got suede shoes? Whether they’re blue or not (Elvis joke!), take stains out by rubbing with a piece of white bread (no kidding) or a soft sponge.
4. Let’s not forget shoelaces! If you want to whiten dirty laces, wash ‘em in sour milk (hold yer nose). Got nasty knots? Use a tweezers to undo ‘em. Lose a tip of a lace? Dip the end in colorless nail polish–when it dries it’ll be as hard as the tip. If it’s already frayed, tie into a knot and trim off the excess.
5. When you get your new ones, wear them for intervals, regardless of how comfy they are. That’s better for your footsies and will help break them in better over time. If the heels are too smooth, rub with light sandpaper first (won’t harm the heels). If it’s icy outside and you have smooth heels, stick on some adhesive tape to the bottoms; that will help cut down on slippin’ and slidin’.
And to anyone with old or new shoes who will be anywhere near me in public: WASH YOUR DAMN FEET AND SPRAY SOME FABREEZE OR WHATEVER IN YOUR SMELLY SHOES! Trust me, your feet DO smell and I do not need to know. Thank you.
Mr. Bru-Hed–
Did you see the new BOURNE LEGACY movie? What did you think of Jeremy Renner compared to Matt Damon?
Matt D.
Concerned, CA
Mr. D.–
They’re two different characters, so that’s what makes this film better than most “sequels.” There are now TWO kick-ass guys on the same side that can team up in later flicks and double the head-smashin’, butt-bustin’, car-wreckin’ and gun-blastin’ thrills! And this one had some good thrills. The guy who played Hawkeye was as cool as the glaciers surrounding his character in the opening scene. And he can fight nasty wolves bare-handed as well as ride a motorcycle in and out of busy traffic while shootin’ bad guys! A good flick. But no nudity, so I give it a “B” (for “Boo! Where’s the Boobs and Butts?”
Bru on Bourne: New character, new fun! Ridin’ and shootin’ without a helmet. My kinda guy.
Beer Abby:
Now that preseason football is here, who do you like? Who are you rootin’ for?
P. Goodell
Canton, OH
New Seattle Seahawks jerseys for “The 12th Man”–fans like Bru!
Dear P.:
HA! It’s only preseason so there’s a lot that can change and has to be figured out before the regular season starts. I’m rootin’ for my Seahawks as always. But I gotta like the Lions; would be nice to see the undercats make the big game and have Hell freeze over for a change. As for who I like, it’s whoever I’m betting on, of course!
That’s it for now…so I’m betting you’ll come back next week for more fun and abuse. See? Everyone really can be a winner! Even whiners and wieners.
Later,
Bru
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed podiatrist or chiropodist, nor does he know the difference. No advice is given or implied unless it makes your feet feel better. All information herein is meant for entertainment and ego-building purposes only. Any material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send free NFL memoribilia. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if you’re a European football fan. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way by you or Man U or their banks. Contents copyright 2012 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. Kubert rules! Learn from the best.