Greedings and salivations, all you pop culture geeks, cheeks and shieks! This is the big week of Comic-Con, the Super Bowl of fanboys ‘n’ girls. Your pal Bru used to be a regular back in the last century until the booth costs got too high and my tolerance for crowds got too low. But to help my ramblin’ readers, I’ve devoting this whole column to the show! I hope this enhances your enjoyment and adds to its awesomeness.

Let’s get right to your CC queries:

Beer Abby–
This is my first time attending Comic-Con. What kind of costume should I wear?

Jamie Stacey Kelly
Genderneutral, NH

Dear Jamie–
I realize costumes and Comic-Con fit together like superheroes and reboots, so you want to dress to impress and not make a mess and be shown the egress! but you didn’t say if you were a man or woman–or more important, a hot woman. So I’ll cover all the bases.

If you’re just a normal geek guy, feel free to go as Darth Vader, Boba Fett, a Startrooper, Chewbacca, Iron Man, a Transformer, a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turte, or anything else that will cover your hideous face and flabby body.

If you’re built like Arnold from 1990, then you can be Superman, Captain America, Thor, Green Lantern or whoever. (But never Conan or Tarzan–too many guys like me will be walking within view having eaten or going to eat, and we don’t need our lunches launched or appetites annhilated. Got it?)

For women, if you’re a hottie with a nice helmet, flat tummy and healthy love pillows, then–and only then–can you be Wonder Woman, Red Sonja, Slave Leia, Vampirella, Supergirl or other such babe. (In fact, I think it’s a rule that you have to dress that way if you’re good lookin’.)

If you’re overweight and/or ugly, please go as Tent Girl, Mumu Maiden, Parachute Princess or Potato Sack Chick. Or stay home. I’m beggin’ ya.

Dear Bru:
There are so many great panels, discussions, and screenings going on at the same time! How on earth do I decide which to attend?

Twilight Bellafan
Podunk, IA

Dear Bellafan:
Yeah, it’s pretty crazy. Used to be the organizers were smart and courteous and scheduled only different genres at the same times (so sci-fi panels didn’t compete with sci-fi panels, superhero panels didn’t compete with superheor panels and so on); but because they want to make it as difficult as possible for everyone (and keep attendance at reasonalbe size for all the smaller rooms), they now have at least ten different panels going on at any given time, many that compete with each other for the same fans! For several years now it’s been impossible to attend every panel you want. You’ll have to prioritize.

So here’s the best ways to do so:
1. If the panel is in Ballroom 20 or Hall H (the largest rooms), get in line a good four to 24 hours beforehand to make sure you get a spot.
2. For many others you’ll have to wait in line as well. So make sure you have water to drink to keep hydrated, something to read or do while you wait to avoid boredom or falling asleep.
3. Because of being hydrated, you’ll have to pee, so be nice to those immediately in front and behind you so they can save your place.
4. For two or more panels that are on simultaneously, use the appearance regularity/life expectancy formula: Choose the panel with the most number of guests not likely to return next year–either ’cause they’re too old, too famous, too far away, too stuck up or whatever.
5. For moive and TV screenings, pick the one that might have the most exclusive stuff to see (or grab for free) that you won’t see or get anywhere else. For the rest you can check online afterwards. (You’re not supposed to tape anything, but some moron or a-hole will ignore the rule.)
6. Once the panel starts, TURN OFF YOUR DAMN PHONE (or at least put it on vibrate). If it rings, GO OUTSIDE and answer. Trust me, no one wants to listen to your lame-ass, annoying conversation or ring tone anymore than you want to listen theirs. Got it?
7.If you ask a question, make sure it’s good (or insulting enough to get a laugh) and that you speak loud enough so everyone can hear ya. Save the whispering for the hotel room when I’m asleep next door.

That should help. If not, flip a coin.

Dear Mr.Bru-Hed–
There are lots of restaurants to choose from but if I go to them to eat, I won’t have money left to buy comics and stuff. What would you do?

Dave M.
Nogirlfriend, MI

Dear Mr. M–
First, I’m not a fanboy. I’m a REAL MAN. So I like food more than comics. I’ll take a good meal and a beer that’s cold over a good deal on a FEAR that’s old!
But remember you still gotta eat halfway decently so you have enough energy to last throughout the show and carry all the worthless crap you buy. So don’t just fast food it every day or settle for the overpriced mystery “food” on the convention floor. Plus, if you do go to a restaurant, you’ll probably see some real girls that you can ogle (especially if you go to one of my favorite places, HOOTERS!)

One more…

Beer Abby:
I can’t make it to the show this year but I REALLY want to get some of the awesome exclusives they sell there. I asked my friend to get the best ones for me but he got all snippy and wants specific instructions as well as money in advance! He should know what I like and what the best ones are. And how can I pay him in advance when I don’t know what the cost will be? Gee whiz. How do I get him in line to wait in line for my stuff?

Mike B.
Clueless, IN

Dear Mike:
Dude, you need some help. Not help in getting your action figure dolls or signed comics or whatever the hell you think you need, but real psychiatric-type help. You’re the one who should get in line–to see a shrink! Otherwise your one friend won’t be your friend any more. How you managed to last this long with one is amazing. If he’s doing you a favor, be cool and thank him by making it as easy as possible to get what you want. He can’t use his money to buy YOUR junk, so give him whatever you’re willing to spend. Whether he gets one thing or a dozen, THANK HIM. And just be grateful to whatever higher power tolerates your existence (like your parents) that someone is willing to extend time and effort for you and not beat you up and stuff you in a locker like you’re used to. Good luck!

Well, kiddies, that’s all we have room for (and all I can stomach) now but we’ll revisit this grand topic every now and then. So make sure you click the “Contact Link” and send me your questions–and as many photos of hot, half-naked super babes anytime!

Yer pal,

Bru-Hed Closeup
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed badgeholder or convention organizer. No advice is given or implied unless it helps they economy. All information herein is meant for entertainment and conning the congoers. Any material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send hot video of fighting cosplay chicks. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if you use Travel Planners. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way by you or Snooki. Contents copyright 2012 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. Come to booth 1909 or 2302 and tell ’em Bru-Hed sent you, and watch the confused expressions you’ll get.

Published by Mike Pascale

Mike is a freelance storyboardist, artist, writer, comic book/web comic creator, graphic designer, award-winning senior art director/copywriter, Kubert School alumnus, Spectrum Fantasy Art award-winner, guitarist/songwriter, future novelist and full-time, life-long comics fan, pop culture collector, and book hoarder. His creations include Bru-Hed™ (America’s favorite Blockhead™), The Game Buzz!™ weekly webcomic, Nasti: Monster Hunter™, Mikey Moo-Moo™ and more “™s” waiting to be unleashed from his crazy cranium.

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *