Welcome to our newest featured column! We’ll be publishing “Beer Abby” every Thursday!
Advice for life from Bru-Hed™, America’s Favorite Blockhead!™
Hey there, all you fans, geeks, jerks and babes!
This is Bru-Hed, the REAL man around this virtual town, here to bring you the best advice for your miserable lives. The gang at Wednesday’s Heroes have asked me to contribute my wisdom to you wise-acres. I figure if Abby and her old “crow-nies” can give tips for livin’ to stupid women, I can do the same for my comic and pop-culture pals.
What’s that? Who am I, you ask? Well, who the hell are YOU? You’re the idiot reading me, so I must be someone important. I have a trade paperback, a mini-series, and several one-shots out about me. I’ve been published for over ten years and even won a couple awards. I also been on MTV and Leno. Have you? Didn’t think so. Now listen up, ‘cause I’m really here to help.
All you gotta do is email a question about something in your world that don’t seem right, and I’ll do my best to put you on the path to prosperity, happiness and righteousness…or at least tell you what to drink to forget about yer troubles! So don’t be shy, guy (or gal—especially the hot ones!)—lay yer luck on me and let ol’ Bru turn it around for you.
Havin’ trouble with yer goil? (HA!! If you’re readin’ columns on the Net, you probably haven’t gone within two feet of a real woman unless it was yer Ma to hand over yer laundry.) No worries. I’ll tell you ALL ya need to grab th’ babe of yer dreams, wet or otherwise. After all, I am the only guy in comics who has TWO Guides to Getting’ Girls NOW! out there. So I know what I’m talkin’ about!
Money issues? I’ll tell you how to make it, how to keep it, and the best things to do with yer dough. Job troubles? I’ll help you deal with dat jerk-ass boss or get you a date with the lil’ hottie in the tight sweaters who works in accounting.
Pop culture? No prob. I’ll tell you what your garbage is worth, how to preserve it and how to sell it to some unsuspecting mark for double what you paid for it. Or tell you to trade it to Pete for somethin’ better.
It ain’t just personal stuff, neither. I’ll tackle the tough issues too. Politics, religion, homo/hetero marriage, teacher sex, I ain’t afraid. Ask away. I ain’t sayin’ I know everything (like, f’r instance, math and science…and history…okay, and literature…um, and maybe geography), but I sure as hell know what’s right and wrong with the world, what’s important and what’s not, and how to have a good time. Which is a LOT more than most of you know!
For guys, I’ll tell ya who looks good for the playoffs, and answer important questions like what cars are the coolest, what beer goes best with which fast food, what porn mags and movies offer the best yank-for-the-buck, even what lube works best.
For you ladies out there (all three of you), I can help by telling you what REALLY turns a guy on, how to keep yer man from strayin’, and how to lose those saddlebag hips and potato-sack thighs to attract some REAL men instead of those bald, smelly, four-eyed comic geeks you been hangin’ out with.
In the meanwhile, and in between bits of this sage advice, I’ll be throwin’ in my thoughts, invaluable insights and opinions on current events, pop culture, and general life stuff to make you a better human bein’ and improve things on this goofball planet. (Like, fer instance, I’ll teach you all HOW TO FREAKIN’ DRIVE! I swear, if ONE more of you #&*%$@ morons changes lanes without puttin’ their blinker on, I’ll ram my front end into yer ass so HARD, you’ll…um…maybe I’ll save that one fer later…)
I may also review movies, TV shows, DVDs, music, food, and even which actresses are the most (and least) spank-worthy these days. Think of me as yer own (free) personal mentor, tutor, shopping guide, best pal, and modern-day Salamander all in one. Wait, I think that’s Salmon. No, Slalom. Shalom? Aw, screw it. The guy’s dead anyway.
So come on and send some questions my way to firstname.lastname@example.org and soon! I can’t wait to make you losers into winners. Till then, may peace be wit’ you and may you always be wit’ a piece. Remember: Beer is a food group. Don’t drink and drive. (But if you don’t drive, drink!) And always wash afterwards.
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed therapist, physician, attorney, broker-dealer, or anything else. In fact, he doesn’t really exist. He’s a fictitious character (but please don’t tell him). All information in this column is meant for entertainment purposes only. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and Dean Armstrong. Contents copyright 2011 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. No part of this column may be reproduced or archived by any means in any medium, other than quotes for review purposes, without the express written permission.