Bru-Hed’s BEER ABBY #41: “Huntsman, Gay Green Lantern and Ray Bradbury” June 7, 2012 – Posted in: Beer Abby, Blog, Featured Columns

Bru-Hed   ©2012 All Ages Media

Hello again all you fans, fanatics, fan-addicts, fan-a-dicks, and lunatics! Yer pal Bru-Hed is here again to make things right in a leftist world and allow you to cope with the slope of hope that you just can’t climb. Without me, that is! Let’s get to your crap…err, emails:

 

Beer Abby:
What did you think of SNOW WHITE AND THE HUNTSMAN? Who was hotter, Kristen Stewart, Charlize Theron or Chris Hemsworth?

T. Cruise
Jaxx, NY

Dear T.:

It had a bunch of cool effects and nasty fights and wild stunts. Stuff that real men like me like. Lots of swordplay, too, but with real swords. Kristen Stewart pouted a lot and didn’t show anything. Charlize took a bath in friggin’ milk, dude! That’s hot. Plus, she was nuts, and everyone knows crazy chicks are good in bed. At least until they have you executed, which is not hot.

As for Hemsworth, he was drunken and muddy, which I don’t think chicks would find hot. He looked cooler as Thor. But I definitely would rather hang out with him as The Huntsman because he was a lot less stuffy and prissy than Thor. Maybe gay guys would like that, I dunno.

Speaking of gay guys…

 

Hey Bru-Hed,
I just read that DC has revamped and rebooted the original Golden Age Green Lantern as a gay guy. There was a huge media blast about it. Why? Isn’t that just pandering and exploitation to get sales? Or is it finally a reflection of tolerance in an otherwise intolerant industry and society?

J. Travolta
Masseuse, CA

Hey J.,
You ask some heavy, deep and thought-provoking questions. Are you sure you’re reading the right blog? I haven’t read the new version so I have no idea if it was well done or not. It does bring a whole new meaning to having a “weakness for wood”, though! HA! (I bet nobody thought of that one! I am SO hilarious.)

I would think most fans would be more pissed that DC “revamped” and “rebooted” another long-standing character! Is that all those idiots can do? Why can’t anyone at the big two think of NEW cool characters? Oh yeah–everything the writers and artists think of is “work for hire” so they don’t get a dime from their creations. So much for creativity in comics!

Maybe they can do a “crossover” with Marvel’s Northstar where they both dress in drag and go to a bar–then it could be the first comics “cross-dressing crossover”! (I am such a genius. I should charge for that kind of marketing expertise but I’ll let ‘em have it this time, as long as they gimme credit. YOU’RE WELCOME.)

 

Beer Abby:
I just read that Ray Bradbury passed away. I loved his stories. I’m so sad.

A. Fanboy
Reading, PA

Dear Fanboy:
Dude, give the guy a break. He was 91, sick and couldn’t walk, fer cryin’ out loud! You want him clinging to a miserable, undignified, painful life just to make YOU happy, you selfish piece of crap? Some fan you are. Let the guy rest in peace; he had an awesome career, left an amazing amount of quality work that will live forever, and influenced generations of writers and imaginations. Be sad for his family and close friends, not him, you dick. Stop whinin’ and go celebrate the guy’s life!

 

Yo, Bru–
Is it true that if you get stung by a jellyfish, someone has to pee on you?

J. Aniston
Friends, NY

Yo, J.–
That’s just a gag from a TV show. You need to pour vinegar over the wound so the acetic acid takes care of the sting. Unless you’re drunk and have no vinegar, of course. (Just stay the hell away from me at the beach.)

 

Beer Abby,
What did you think of MEN IN BLACK 3?

Will Lee Jones
Bel Air, CA

Dear Will,
It was three times better than anything else that came out that week, made three times as much money as BATTLESHIP in a third of the time, had a good use of 3D, and featured three excellent performances by the three main actors. Now if you can see it for three bucks, you got it made!

 

Okay, we’re done for this week, folks. Hope you all voted Republican and often! Remember, your vote counts. (Unless you’re a Democrap.) Vote for me in November–I’ll be running on the beer party ticket! (A fried KFC chicken in every pot, a Bud in every fridge, and a Playboy in every bathroom. Yee hah!)

Thanks,
Bru

 

Bru-Hed CloseupDISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed pundit, nor does he know what that means. No advice is given or implied unless it makes people vote. All information herein is meant for entertainment and insults only. Any material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send autographed Ray Bradbury paperbacks. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if you’re an uptight anti-gay Nazi idiot. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way by you or the ghost of Issac Asimov. Contents copyright 2012 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. R.I.P., Ray; please say hi to Forry Ackerman for us!!

« Ray Bradbury Tells You How To Avoid Writer’s Block, or The Secret To The Never-Ending Story Idea
John Carter: A Princess of Mars begins TODAY! »