Bru’s Reviews: ENDER’S GAME, FULL OF FAME AND FLAME, BUT LAME November 20, 2013 – Posted in: Blog, Bru's Reviews, Featured Columns
All original written content is (c) 2013 Mike Pascale. Visual content is (c) its respective owners. Bru-Hed is a trademark of All Ages Media and Mike Pascale.
Up this week: I finally caved and saw ENDER’S GAME (the much-protested sci-fi flick about a snotty know-it-all kid who saves earth, based on a popular book by famous gay-hater and multiple award-winner, Orson Scott Card). I only saw it because there was nothing else playing at 10pm even remotely worth seeing. Best thing about the whole experience was that I was literally the only one in the theater! Felt good to take off my shoes and pants and put my feet up just like at home! All I needed was a remote and it woulda been perfect!
- Nice special effects. As usual. They’re so good these days, though, is it really a positive any more? I mean, don’t we all EXPECT spectacular effects in any fantasy film now? If they’re just “good”, everyone can tell, so it’s kind of a shame. But the ships, space station were very cool, as were_ the_ _cont_rols and weapons they used along with some of the gaming stuff. Although I defy any smart person to think the way Ender was typing his emails is somehow more efficient and comfortable than what we have now. Come on, if you tried doing that with one hand for a week, you wouldn’t even be able to grab yer pud to pee!
- The space-flight training simulator. Way better than a bounce-house. I hope Dave & Buster’s gets one soon.
- Harrison Ford drives a really cool car that actually looks like it’s from the future for a change, rather than a Chevy Cavalier with a bunch of crap glued on it. [From Mike: reminded me of some of those great Syd Mead concept cars.]
- Asa Butterfield (a name that would definitely get you beat up in my old junior high) turns in a good performance, even better than Harrison Ford, who sadly now looks more like Indiana Jones’s dad (and not in a cool way like Sean Connery).
- Ben Kingsley was good, especially with the Darth Maul-ripoff makeup. Good plot twist with his character too.
- Major plot twist towards the end I didn’t see coming (but should have).
- NO chicks. I mean nothing! The only women were Ender’s mom (not hot, and basically only seen at the dinner table) and Viola Davis who played Ford’s military major (great actress, but not hot when covered in a full military outift). The other two females were kids, so shame on you.
- Every time I saw a closeup of Ender’s face, I had an OCD impulse to count all his tiny moles. (I only got up to 12.)
- One of his big antagonists was supposed to be intimidating and fill him with fear but made me laugh instead. First, his name was Bonzo–originally it sounded like everyone called him “Buzzsaw”, which woulda been a helluva lot more intimidating than a chimp’s name; second, his head was about two-thirds the size of Ender’s, most of which was occupied by his nose; third, he was almost a foot shorter than Ender. How do you bully a guy you have to crane your neck to stare down? Bizarre casting choice.
- A second ending that was a little too “kum by ya” for me. You’d never see that happen on Star Trek, and definitely not in Star Wars.
- This should have been called “Ender’s Training”, because that was 90 percent of the friggin’ film! One training exercise after another, after another. Could have been half as long and twice as enjoyable!
That way, you can watch the first half hour to get the basic plot, then fast forward over the next hour to get to the cool visuals, the gaming stuff and the plot twists.
DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed by Bru-Hed are not necessarily those of Wednesday’s Heroes, Mike Pascale, Orson Scott Card, the Mormons or any adult, child, alien buglike creature or relic-hunter-turned relic, with or without a bullwhip.