Hey again, geeksters and geekettes! It’s your pal Bru with another first-run review of a pre-summer blockbuster! I ain’t a Trekkie or Trekkor or Trekkle or whatever, but I have watched the old STAR TREK series because I love the way Captain Kirk gets to bed all the alien hotties. So I figured I had to see the latest J. J. Abrams version, Star Trek: Into Darkness. (I know my comic-creator Pascale really wanted to see it too, but thanks to a belly virus he was too busy painting porcelain from both ends. HA! Serves ‘im right for not bein’ a drinker. A six-pack a day keeps the flu away, I always say!)
Now let’s get to the space-flick, shall we?
–The casting! Every major character was spot-on. Kirk, Spock, McCoy, Scottie, Sulu Chekov, Uhura all came off like believable versions of their later selves. Some were closer–and funnier–than others (Scottie and Bones, thanks to Simon Pegg and Karl Urban) but all were perfect. Even the bad guys were good, including the British Sherlock Holmes dude (Benedict Cumberbun or something–I just know he had “dick” in his first name). He’s revealed to be some major guy from the old show but he looks and talks totally different. Some fanboys and PC-diversity types will hate that but me, I didn’t care as long as I got my money’s worth.
–Major nod to an older Trek film climax. You’ll either think it’s cool and touching or contrived and trite.
–Kirk is still a skirt-chasing rule-breaker (though no longer an ass-kicker, unfortunately).
–Spock kicks some butt himself and Hulks out at one point.
–Another cameo by an old cast member, if you’re into that.
–Visual effects frickin’ awesome again. Ships and crap perfect too. Same with the production design and scenic stuff. Only thing that looked goofy was the transporter effect, which actually looked more dated than the original TV show. Since the transporter scrambles molecules, the original just makes more sense than the swirling lines of the new one. But they had to be “different” so I respect that. (I wuz hopin’ they’d make it so the clothing on the women would be invisible while they were transporting but no luck.)
–Best dedication at the end of a film: “To all post 9-11 veterans”. AMEN!
–Robocop is now a top officer at Starfleet. Just wish he had said, “Freeze, punk!”
–The new science officer chick is hot. Especially in undies!
–First new looks at a classic TV alien nemesis and an old fuzzy friend.
–Edge-of-your-seat moments all throughout, literally from the first scene. Few let-ups, kind of like a really long Metallica tune. Some fuddy-duds will think it’s too much, but I ain’t goin’ to Trek movies to take a nap.
–Didn’t see it in IMAX or DFX but I bet it looked spectacular.
–Like AVENGERS, a super blend of comedy, romance, characterization, plot and thrills.
–If Abrams can do a similar job with the next Star Wars, that franchise will make Harry Potter look like couch change.
–One major character buys the farm. The problem is, everyone knows the core crew survives well into their 60s, so none can truly die. So that kinda suspense is absent. But ya gotta give props to the writers and director for tryin’, and keeping it exciting.
–Not ONE mini-skirt–on the ship or in the academy! No pantyhose either. Rats.
–I always thought of Starfleet Headquarters as a global Pentagon. Yet their security–both building and airspace–is worse than a Holiday Inn. People just run in or fly by without even a scan? Gimme a break!
–Kirk doesn’t bed anyone this time. He has two hours! In the show he could meet, fight, frolic and flee a new babe within 50 minutes.
–The cameo of the old cast member didn’t have any impact like the first one. Kinda seemed shoe-horned.
–Pascale would be bummed that there were no storyboarding credits. And the fantastic concept artists didn’t get credited till way after the “location accountant”. WTF?
–The biggest problem? Fat, inconsiderate, cheapass “parents” taking their stupid crying babies to the damn movies. As Evan Dorkin’s Milk and Cheese characters say, “Babies don’t like movies! They’re BABIES!” Take the stupid cry-machines into the lobby the minute they start whinin’. Or better yet, stay the f*** home with your slobby kid or spend the damn dough for a babysitter!
Don’t just See It, Buy It! You’ll want to see it more than once and check out all the extras, interviews, featurettes and all that crap. But I don’t care if your home screen is 6 feet–you gotta see this baby in a theater to really get the full enjoyment. (Just go in the morning or late at night when there aren’t any brats!)
P.S.: Pascale should be recovered enough to put pencil and brush to paper, so it’s a good time to ask for your versions of Trek or other characters. Hell, he can even turn you or your buddies INTO Trek characters! Just ask Craig here!
DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed by Bru-Hed are not necessarily those of Wednesday’s Heroes, Mike Pascale, or anyone else on the planet. So put away the torches!