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Hey, hey hey, my many manly movie mavens and mavettes! (Is that a woid? Screw it. It is now.) It’s yer flippant, filmgoin’ friend, Bru-Hed, here with another realistic review for you and your crew. This one is gonna be a bit different because MY opinion (i.e., the RIGHT one) is quite at odds with the maroon who usually draws me, that Mike Pascale pinhead. [Mike: Hey, let’s leave personal insults out of this, okay?] Whatever, art-boy. Pull up your big boy Disney Underoos and try to keep up. Here’s our spoiler-free review of Pixar’s Monsters University.
Anyway, I’m gonna go first and Pasquale’s pointless points will be bracketed in italics. [Hey, it’s spelled “Pascale”!] Shaddup. Let’s go:
- Pretty colors. Stuff looked real. [The animation was typical top-notch Pixar-perfect. Hair, fur, scales, brass, wood, grass, you name it, dead on. It all looked spectacular. Motion was natural or cartoon-like where needed. Kudos to director Dan Scanlon and his writing partners Robert L. Baird and Daniel Gerson.]
- Funny voices. [Billy Crystal is Mike Wizowski and Goodman is Sully. Steve Buscemi as Randy, Nathan Fillion as Johnny, and especially Helen Mirren as Dean Hardscrabble were also persona-perfect. Lots of other great cast names but to their credit, I didn’t realize who was whom until the credits. Which is what you want in an animated feature–thinking of the character first and actor second.]
- Funny slapstick! Lots of monsters get bonked in the head, knocked around, fall down, and other Stooges-type stuff. [True! But there’s a plethora of sly sight gags, wordplay, background bits and more for the adults, Monsters Inc. fans, and anyone who’s in or remembers college.]
- Wasn’t as long or dragged-out as MAN OF STEEL. [I agree. Thank God!]
- Free cartoon before the movie, even though it sucked (should be under “Cons”). [Bru’s an insensitive dolt. THE BLUE UMBRELLA short was simply sublime. Romantic, sweet-without-being-cloying, cute-without-being-trite, brilliantly conceived and exquisitely executed. At first glance it looks like parts used actual live footage but it’s all animated. Reminiscent–some might say derivative–of Disney’s PAPER MAN last year, but so what? We have two features in a quarter about the White House being blasted apart, why can’t we have two sweet short romances within a year? This is great “date” material; nothing that beer-bellied bozo would be familiar with.] Hey, I hoid dat!
- Stay till the end of the credits for a silly gag. [Actually, pretty funny! No “outtakes” like previous Pixar films, though.]
- No explosions. [Um…not that kind of movie.]
- No car chases. [See above.]
- No kung fu fights. [Ditto!]
- No gore. [You’re such an idiot!]
- No beer! What college campus doesn’t have MASSIVE BEER DRINKING? And PANTY RAIDS with NEKKID GOILS? Totally unrealistic. [Well, it was rated “G”…as in, “Gee, you’re an imbecile if you’re expecting an animated ANIMAL HOUSE!”]
- Pansy opening cartoon about two stupid umbrellas with smiley faces. Dumb. [Ugh! See above “Pros”. Yes, it’s deliberately paced and not action-packed–but if you have a heart and any semblance of creativity, you’ll enjoy it!]
- (Worst of all) NO nudity or even babes in bikinis. In fact, all the co-ed “hotties” either had claws, fangs or tentacles! WTF? [Do I really need to comment here?]
- Screaming kids in the theater. [Hey, we finally agree on something!]
This is obviously for kids and retarded “animation fans” like ASScale and his art-boy fan-fairies. I say CATCH IT, unless you’re a whipped daddy who needs to get out of the house and keep yer brats occupado for a couple hours while your wife-who-wears-the-trousers gets her hair done, her fat sucked out, or goes to a coffee klatch with her fellow hens. Then you’ll have to SEE IT or have your manhood hung in the freezer. [Don’t listen to the blockhead, folks…SEE IT and then BUY IT for the wealth of behind-the-scenes stuff you’ll no doubt get. (I still haven’t finished with all the extras from the MONSTERS INC. DVD!) Not the best Pixar’s ever done, but still a delightfultreat, whether you’re 6 or 106–and your inner child hasn’t been drowned by a lifetime of swilling brew!]
Jeez, do you get a kickback from Pixar or something? [I wish! I’d settle for a DVD and a book.]
That’s it for now. Go back to yer drawing board, art-sack! [*sigh*]
P.S.: I still have to plug Pascale’s art commissions–although I wouldn’t mind plugging a cap in his–[HEY, WATCH IT, numbskull! I’ll draw you headless and six feet under!] Oh, calm down, I wuz just jokin’! Anyway, he can actually draw any Pixar or other character for you that you can hang on your college dorm wall. Or any wall. Just ask Craig here!
DISCLAIMER: The opinions expressed by Bru-Hed are not necessarily those of Wednesday’s Heroes, Mike Pascale, or anyone else on the planet, animated or otherwise. See what happens when you drink and blog?