NOTE FROM MIKE: Too busy to get to the blog this week so I’m having my pal Bru-Hed fill in. Believe it or not, he still gets occasional emails from long-time fans. Until he gets his own site or blog, he can’t answer publicly; figured this would be a great opportunity to do so. See you next week! Take it away, Bru…
Yo, Wednesday Zeroes!
It’s your pal Bru-Hed here with advice and answers on everything for all you geeks, freaks, jocks, schlocks and the one or two women who read this. You got questions, I got solutions. (And beer.)
Let’s get right to our first email:
I wanna buy X-MEN: FIRST CLASS when it comes out on video, but haven’t read the comic in like, ages. Can you give me the last few years of X-Men continuity?
Dude, I haven’t read an X-Men comic in twenty years! Ever since they printed a million of that Jim Lee #1 and screwed all us speculat–err, I mean collectors, I’ve given up on superhero comics.
But the good thing is, you really don’t need any of that garbage to enjoy the flick. In fact, if you’re anything like me (you wish!), you can just watch the shots of Emma Frost and have a spankin’ great time. Just don’t share that popcorn container with anyone. (And if anyone can make me a copy of all her scenes, I’ll give you free signed copies of all my comics. Ask Craig where to send it.)
I’ve read your GUIDE TO GETTIN’ GIRLS NOW! but it didn’t help me with the ladies. Every time I tried any of your pickup techniques, I either got slapped in the face or kicked in the cojones. I want a refund.
John Q. P.
Crushed Nuts, Ohio
Sorry the book didn’t work for you. But the problem is not the technique, it’ you, bro. Try showering first and wearing clean clothes (the right ones, not your sister’s). And use real deodorant, not that deer-urine-in-a-can you use for hunting season. As for the refund, store policy clearly states that this ain’t a library. (Besides, read the disclaimer in front of the book first!) But to show I’m a stand-up guy, I’ll send over an icepack for the swollen veggies.
Why is it that every time I turn on the news, some guy or woman in a suit tries to scare me? They always tell me something I’m eating or drinking or breathing is bad for me, or someone is out to steal my identity or my stuff or the government wants my dough. Why can’t they just once tell me I’m a cool person and that things are going to be okay? I need a hug.
Feely, North Dakota
I hear ya.
Luckily, the solution is easy:
Don’t watch the news. There are SO many great things to watch on TV these days, from NASCAR to ULTIMATE FIGHTING, from Spike TV to The Beer Commercial Channel, that you don’t need no stinkin’ news. (All the news you need each week comes to you from Craig right here at WednesdaysHeroes.com. Everything else is irelav…irrever…irrelliv…um, doesn’t matter.)
As for the hug, well, that’s what mannequins are for.
Space for one more:
Where did I put my glasses?
You left them in the fridge, where you set them down while you were trying to read the label on the head cheese. Next time, stick ’em in your pants so you can see how big your caboose is getting.
Man. What would you guys (and gal) do without me?
See ya next time, kiddies. Meanwhile, send your queries to me at: firstname.lastname@example.org. Enjoy the week. And buy a commission so I can keep Pascale off my back! Contact Craig here.
Bru-Hed is an international comic-book character who’s appeared in both paper and non-paper media. His fans are everywhere, including the government, so watch what you say about him. He likes beer (duh), babes, sports and snacks. In other words, he’s a patriot.
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed anything. In fact, he doesn’t really exist (but please don’t tell him). All information herein is meant for entertainment purposes only. All material sent to the address above becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered acceptable for publication. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and whatever else. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced for any reason in any way in any galaxy at any time now or forever in the future. Just because it’s on the Internet does not mean it’s free. We will hunt you down like a chase card! “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. Thanks for your time.