Finally! It’s here! The roman alphabet game of the year. Beer, snacks, commercials, beer commercials, snack commercials, bad national anthems, overhyped halftime shows, aging singers trying to stay relevant, millionaires vs. billionaires on the field, and oh yeah, a football game.
Welcome to Super Bowl week. Sorry gang, I know I’m a day late (but only a half-dollar short–I get a member discount here), but was busy crunchin’ numbers for the Big Game. Gotta decide who to bet on. But let’s not forget the main reason I do this every week–to help YOU with your life issues! So let’s get right to a quintet of your questions (I just learned that woid from watching some show about a really pregnant chick): Beer Abby: Who will you be betting on in Super Bowl® XKVI? And why do they those confusing letters anyway?
John Bench Cincinnati, OH
Still thinking it over. Will let you know at the end of the column. Not something I want to decide in a New York minute, y’know? The reason they use those goofy stupid letters is because it looks classier than writing “46.” That makes the game look like a bad movie sequel. Using XLVI makes people think football fans have brains and taste. Like me.
I just read that the Susan G. Komen Foundation, which does breast cancer research, caved to political pressure and stopped their support for women’s health and cancer screenings at Planned Parenthood. Do you support them?
L. Armstrong Somewhere in France
I fully support boob cancer research. We need all the boobs we can on this earth, and I mean the kind in bras, not the ones in Congress or the crazy ones running churches and wacko “religious” groups (that usually have nothing to do with religion). Stopping cancer screenings because of some stupid fake religious issue is just dumb. It’s like turning off the electricity on your grandpa’s dialysis machine to protest global warming. Real logic there! Gotta do everything to help keep boobs healthy–especially big, giant boobs. As for Planned Parenthood, that’s still the dumbest name for a neighborhood I ever heard. (“Yo, bro! Come see me in da Parent ‘hood!” WTF??)
Who’s a better quarterback, Eli Manning or Tom Brady?
D. McNabb Envious, PA
If we’re talking earning potential, definitely Eli Manning. If we’re talking regular free sex with a supermodel, it’s still Tom. (Until Eli bags one himself, of course.)
Please settle a bet. Who did Hank Pym become after he was Ant-Man? My friend says he became the Super-Patriot but I think he’s wrong.
Eric Larson Savage, CA
Dude, your friend is a moron. I don’t know crap about stupid comics history but even I know Ant-Man grew up to become Giant Man. And you can bet on that!
I hear DC is going to make a prequel to WATCHMEN and Alan Moore is against it. I want to boycott it to support him, but I am compelled to buy every number one that comes out to support my collecting habit. And I may be able to have it CGCed and sell it for a big profit a month after it comes out. What should I do?
Gree D. Fanboy Mouthbreather, MI
I never read that overrated Watchcrap so I couldn’t care less what DC does. Alan Moore (and his lame lawyer) obvious made a GIANT mistake when he signed his contract for the original series, but that’s his fault. He really needs to pull up his Huggies and suck on a milk bottle like other good babies before he cries himself to sleep. He doesn’t even live in New York where DC’s offices are! Hard to protest from across the pond. Go buy your silly little prequel and make your twenty bucks or whatever. Real men like me are more interested in Raquels than prequels!
Okay, here’s the fifth and final one before I pull out my Pud (beer) and buy my game food for Super Bowl Funday:
Mr. Bru-Hed– What’s the real difference between Mitt Romney and Newt Gingrich?
R. Limbaugh Blowhard, NY
Mr. Limburger (or whatever)–
Both of them are giants in their party. Giant jerks, giant idiots, giant clueless white guys talkin’ down to real folks like me. Pandering like the President. No difference between their Right Wing Waste and Barack’s BS. Those salad-heads and Obamamama wouldn’t last two days with real New York giants like DeNiro, Stallone, Captain Lou Albano, Lawrence Taylor…
Anyway, I gotta make a decision about the Super Bowl winner. Eli Manning or Tom Brady? Man, it’s gonna be close. I’ll be making giant bets to my bookie in New York. But it will have to be a game-time decision. Maybe I’ll just bet the over and root for both.
Speaking of over, click over on the “Contact” link at the top o’ this page and send me a question for next time! I’m not a giant baby like Alan Moore or a giant douchebag like the presidential candidates. I’m a former native New Yorker. And a patriot!
P.S.: Whether your team wins or loses, you’ll need something to read in the toilet after the game when all that delicious crap you ate comes roaring outta you like an angry wart hog. So why not grab a quick copy of my paperback collection, THE COLLECTED BRU-HED, for a too-cheap price just $10.00–US postage included?! That’s THREE bucks off the cover price and art-guy Pascale pays the insane postage cost for you! You get 128 pages of b & w fun-filled comics and more. For details or to place your order, click here TODAY.
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed candidate or comics writer. No advice is given or implied, unless you’re as dumb as a Watchmen/Wall Street protestor. All information herein is meant for entertainment and goofing purposes only. All material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send Watchmen action figures (mint in box, of course). We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if you’re as humorless as the so-called Religious Right (who are neither one nor the other). Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way by you or Bill Bellidick. Contents copyright 2012 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. If you’re reading this, help me make abortion retroactive so we can rid our country of a lot of government waste! T’anks.