Greetings, you grubby-handed goons and goonesses! (I don’t think that’s a word but it should be). It’s your best blog pal Bru-Hed here to make your life a living heaven. How? By answering your deepest, darkest and dumbest questions about life, liberty and the pursuit of stupidity! (It’s our God-given right, you know. Right there in the Constitution after “Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Freedom of the Press”.) So let’s get to your emails. Then afterwards, you can send me your questions for next time! Let’s go:
Why is Barnes & Noble boycotting DC Comics?
Call it a case of virtual jealousy. They’re afraid that since DC is releasing its lame 52 titles online the same day as the print ones, people suddenly won’t want to pay three bucks and up for a printed comic. (Like they haven’t been doing so for the last decade.)
Tiger Woods finally won a tournament. Will you be betting on him next year?
Yes. I’ll bet he nails at least eight strippers.
I hear that the new Arkham Asylum game uses the word “bitch” in reference to women. Isn’t that sexist?
It primarily is said by Two-Face–a psychotic villain who’s angry and trying to kill people. What should he say, “I’m going to make you expire, you strong and empowered majority Feminine-American!”? I’d expect Poison Ivy to call a guy a bastard. Or worse. Who the hell cares? We’re at war and people die every minute of cancer. If you spent more time volunteering at domestic abuse shelters or donating your money to them rather than playing and buying stupid video games and bitching about them online, you’d do a lot more good for women. (Oops, did I just say “bitching” to a guy? Yikes, I must be sexist and a man-hater. Thankfully I hate all people!)
What’s the easiest way to decorate my house for Christmas?
Easiest way is to put up a sign in your front yard that says “Happy Holidays” because anything reeking of Christmas will bring a barrage of liberal snowballs and worse. All those Kwanzaa kooks and Athiest A-holes will be beating a path to your door–with pitchforks! Keep your celebrations to yourself and be a good citizen.
What’s a good holiday gift for my special lady to keep her in line?
Best thing a guy like you could give is a divorce. Seriously.
Okay, last one, pals and gals:
I saw trailers for WAR HORSE and TINTIN. Which Spielberg movie should I see?
I’d see DUEL. Or JAWS.
And speaking of trailers, I’m reminding you trailer-trash-pickers to pick up THE COLLECTED BRU-HED for a holiday discount! It’s 128 pages of parody and puns with a plot! Cover price is a (perfectly reasonable) $13.95, but mention you saw it on this column and get it for just $5.00! That’s more than 60% OFF! US postage is just two bucks. Find out more and place your order here TODAY.
THANKS and enjoy yourselves…just wash up when yer done!
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a certified animal husbandry expert, nor wifery amateur. All information herein is meant for entertainment and agenda purposes only. All material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send your eBay password. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and comedy. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any unless you give us credit or cash. Contents copyright 2011 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. You scum-suckers really don’t read this at all, do you? You’re missing a ton of comedy.