Beer Abby #11 November 10, 2011 – Posted in: Beer Abby, Blog, Featured Columns – Tags: Beer Abby, Mike Pascale
Greetings, gallant guys and guiding gals! It’s your pal Bru, thumbin’ thru the dictionary to find erudite ways to entertain your ego! (I have no idea what “erudite” means, but it starts with an “e” so it woiks fer me.) In addition to entertainment, I give you education and advice you abso-tootly can’t get ANYwhere else on or off the Web! And it’s friggin’ free. Can’t beat that.
So lets get to it:
What’s your favorite beer?
Whatever’s in my hand!
How much doe do I need to keep my antlers attractive to the ladies?
North Pole, AK
A few bucks will work! HA!
I have a problem. I think my girlfriend is cheating on me. How do I tell and what do I do about it?
Worried in Wyoming
Sorry to hear that. You need to make sure you know she’s sampling other sausage for sure before you say or do anything. There are a bunch of different methods and tips for you to try:
1. Check her cell phone (or bills if you have access) to see what numbers she’s called. If you don’t recognize any or see any guys’ names, call them on another phone and pretend you’re her best girl friend, looking for a threesome. That way they’ll open up and let you know if there’s anything bouncy going on. Just make sure not to sound like a guy.
2. Check her underwear. If she normally wears boring stuff and suddenly is displaying bright and sexy stuff (and its not meant for you), it ain’t lookin’ good. If you find it stained with someone else’s man-batter, it’s worse.
3. Check her computer/iPad or whatever. See which websites she visits and read her emails. Anything suspicious, write it down or print it out so you have evidence later. (If she asks how you got it, tell her you’re helping out homeland security through their volunteer program and they asked you to snoop for Uncle Sam. If she gets pissed, rail against the government for making you into a tool for the Man.) Even if you don’t find anything suspicious, it’ll be highly entertaining to read all the personal crap she tells her buds! Maybe one of her hottie friends will have sent her some choice photos you can print out for later.
4. If you got the dough, you can hire a private dick. Err, I mean private eye. (He’ll be looking for the private dick.) And if you don’t mind being humiliated on national TV, you can go on that CHEATERS show or Maury or whatever and maybe make a few bucks off your misery. Heck, you may even find some wench in the audience that’ll give you pity sex! Win-win.
I just watched the Republican debate on CNBC. Who do you think won?
Englewood Cliffs, NJ
I’d say CNBC’s advertisers won, hands down.
I just heard Joe Paterno was fired as Penn State’s coach. Don’t you think they should let him coach out the season?
Nit Nee Lyon
Yeah, sure, why not? Paterno let his scumbag coordinator Sandusky finish his season as a pedophile, so fair’s fair. They should make “Joe Pa” coach the game naked–maybe he’d dig it.
I read that Dr. Conrad Murray was found guilty of involuntary manslaughter of Michael Jackson. What do you think really happened?
When it came to the charge, it was pretty obvious he couldn’t Beat It.
(Hey, when genius strikes, ya gotta grab it.)
Okay, one more:
You talk about a lot of controversial things sometimes. Yet no one comments. Why is that?
A Curious non-Commenter
Good question. No one comments because they’re totally stunned by my awesomeness. What more could they possibly add? Ya can’t add to perfection. Only reason to comment is to correct a mistake, and as you know from all my columns, mistakes are like vegetarian hot dogs–I just don’t make ’em!
And speaking of wieners, you should avoid being one by ordering my collectible COLLECTED BRU-HED! It’s 128 too-cool pages of comics, comedy, action, and lots of T and A. It’s got super-villains like Grrimm & Grritty, thinly-veiled spoofs of industry pros and characters, sexy and sexist art and jokes and introduction by award-winning punk fiction author Clifford Meth, all wrapped in full-cover digitally-painted covers by SPECTRUM-award winners Dean Armstrong (and that Pascale guy). Best of all, it’s discounted like a gazillion percent off the cover price! Find out more and place your order here TODAY.
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed pediatrist or podcaster. All information herein is meant for entertainment and unsubtle insult purposes only. All material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send free Mile High comics. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and comedy. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any unless you give us credit, a link and a wink. Be cool, fool! Contents copyright 2011 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. If you can read this, contact me thru this site and I’ll send you a free sketch of Bru. Expires 11/30/11 so get off yer lazy ass an’ do it now.