BEER ABBY #42: “Abortion, Automobiles, Hatfields, McCoys, L.A. Kings, Jersey Devils, Prometheus and Promiscuity” by Bru-Hed ©2012 All Ages Media
Can you believe June is almost half over? Holy crap, time’s fun when you’re having flies. Or something like that. Are you enjoying summer so far? Well, dummy-head, technically it’s still spring. So don’t be jumpin’ the gun. (Makes me wonder where that actually came from…I wonder if it’s a WW II thing where some hero jumped over a bunch of enemy guns and smashed some Nazis in the face. Or maybe it was some runner jumping up in the air ‘cause he got scared when someone fired the starting pistol. Or maybe a Nazi shot a jumper with a starting pistol because he didn’t jump high enough. Probably lost to history. Shame.)
Anyway, let’s get to the emails you sent this week, shall we?
Did you see the Stanley Cup finals? What did you think of the L.A. Kings’ amazing, long-overdue win?
Los Angeles, CA
I gotta be honest, I was rootin’ fer the Devils because they have a cooler name. The Jersey Devil is like a Bigfoot-type legend, like the Hodag and Abdominal/Abominable Snowman. But I also agree with George Carlin, who said that hockey is not sport, but a combination of three activities: ice-skating, hitting a puck, and beating the crap out of people. I like the beating the crap out of people, so I wasn’t as thrilled about this Cup final because there shoulda been more west coast/east coast rivalry, fisticuffs, gunplay, blood and so on.
What did you think of the incredible HATFIELDS AND McCOYS mini-series on The History Channel? Are you related to either family?
I didn’t see it but I heard it was pretty good. Always like to see a bunch o’ violent morons taking themselves off the planet so I have more air to breathe. As to being related, I’m happy to say NO WAY. The Bru-Hed clan only had a rivalry with the Busch family (the beer ones, not the lame politicians). But it was settled with beer rather than guns–best kind of feudin’ in my book!
Do you believe in abortion?
Of course I “believe” in it. Abortion is real. You think it only happens to aliens or ghosts? Dude, read the paper or watch the news. I never understand why so many of you idiots “don’t believe” in stuff that really exists. It’s like the Amish who don’t believe in cars. What the hell do they think those two-ton hunks of metal on wheels are that whiz by their silly wagons every day are? Metal donkeys? Come on! I can see not believing in spaceships, haunted houses, time travel, responsible Democrats or gay Republicans or something, but not stuff that’s always in the news. Gimme a break.
What’s the best way to test the brakes in my car?
Easy! Press on the brake pedal as hard as you can, and try to fit your other foot under it. It it fits, your brakes are fine. If your pedal goes all the way to the floor, or if you hear squealing when you press on the brakes, take the car into a mechanic. (Just make sure you can stop when you get there!)
Would you sleep with a girl you just met, or would you wait till you were married?
I’d have sex with a girl I just met, because after you’re married, you pretty much JUST sleep.
What did you think of the Ridley Scott film PROMETHEUS?
I thought Charlize Theron had an amazing butt. Looked good in a spacesuit, which ain’t easy. Other than that, I didn’t think it was as scary as the previews but the visuals were cool. Did I mention Charlize Theron’s butt?
Well, whaddaya know? We’re at the end of another brilliant blog. Or cool column. Or amazing article. Whatever it is, we’re done and I’m off to have a few beers or twelve while I watch the future NBA champs. Hopefully I’ll see some cool beer commercials–and a trailer for PROMETHEUS with you-know-who’s you-know-what!
DISCLAIMER: Bru-Hed is not a licensed movie buff but that’s the state he watches them in at home. No advice is given or implied unless it makes you think. All information herein is meant for entertainment and rilin’ up purposes only. Any material sent to us becomes the property of Schism Comics and All Ages Media, and will be considered for publication. No guarantees unless you send photos of Charlize Theron’s butt. We reserve the right to edit all letters for space and humor, and insert any of the latter if you’re a Hatfield or McCoy. Bru-Hed created by Mike Pascale. Artwork by M.P. and/or Dean Armstrong. Nothing may be reproduced in any way by you or Bigfoot. Contents copyright 2012 All Ages Media/Mike Pascale. “Bru-Hed”, “America’s Favorite Blockhead” and all likenesses thereof are trademarks of Schism Comics/All Ages Media. If you’re Amish, email me for a free comic!